Rebel Without a Cause?

The other day, I watched a brief documentary on juvenile delinquency in the 1950s, and followed this with the great 1955 movie "Rebel Without a Cause." With each generation, we hear things like, "Kids today are just trouble," "what do kids have to be so depressed about," " WE never acted like that when WE were young," etc. Well, thinking about teenagers in the 50s, and teenagers today, I'm inclined to think that although the symptoms of the problems may indeed be different, the roots of the problem are still the same.

The documentary on the problem of juvenile delinquency in the 1950s was very stereotypical. I took issue with the fact that they portrayed it in racial terms, but wasn't at all surprised considering the time it was made. The delinquents they showed were both black and white, but when they said, "Delinquents come from neighborhoods such as this," they showed a poor black, urban community. Then, when they showed a town meeting to discuss the problem, the audience was primarily white middle class. I believe I saw one black man in the crowd. This didn't surprise me because there's been generations of such brainwashing, and isn't it still done today? Anyway, aside from all that, the delinquent kids were shown bullying others, drinking, smoking cigarettes, hanging around in intimidating gangs, dressing out of the norm, arguing with parents, misbehaving in class, etc. Sound familiar? Oh yes, and it mentioned smoking marijuana, and other "illegal mind altering substances."

We look back at the days 50 years ago as more ideal, more simple, more family oriented, and certainly more behaved! What did those kids have to be rebellious about? Most kids had a mom at home when they left for, and came home from school. Families supposedly did more together. Everyone was so much more proper and spoke in a more civil manner to each other. They didn't have the pressure of drugs, sex, technology, etc which are present for the youth of today. Right? We've heard all of that, but the reality is a little different. And, the root problems are the same. Teenagers then felt the same things teenagers now feel.

So what's the root of the problem? I'll give a disclaimer here that there are many, many roots, which are unique to each individual, but there are some common threads. The overriding problems are lack of acceptance, feeling misunderstood, a disconnection between parent and child, and a desire for love.  Watch the trailer for "Rebel Without a Cause," and see what you think:
"Rebel Without a Cause" trailer

So, the point? What you see in "Rebel Without a Cause" is nothing new. There is a young man, Jim, whose parents are dysfunctional, and completely misunderstand the needs of their son. All he really wants is a man to teach him how to be a man, not to run away from his problems and fears. His father is incapable of this. His mother's idea of handling problems is moving, and running away from them. There is another young man, Plato, who wants his absent parents to be there, and to have a real family. He's essentially abandoned by his parents, and he has nobody. Then there's Judy, who doesn't understand why her father is suddenly so distant from her. She feels unloved. Finally, there's Buzz, the leader of the little group of delinquents. He challenges Jim to a "chickie" race to the edge of the cliff. Whoever jumps from the stolen car first, before it goes over the cliff, is the chicken. Unfortunately, Buzz gets a strap on his leather jacket caught on the door and can't jump. Just before the race, we find out that he only acts so tough because he thinks he needs to keep up appearances, but he's really not a bad guy.

The death of their friend makes all the characters do a little self-exploration. They ponder those root questions I mentioned above, they deal with two losses, and somehow they come through it, bringing at least one of two of the parents along. In the trailer, you see the scene where Jim tells his parents they're tearing him apart. All that is evident in this film is still evident today. Somehow, that makes me sad, but it also makes me realize that we can come through it all too. Listen. Talk. Be patient.

Fences

As I sit here listening to the wonderfully strong winds blowing through the opening of my downed fence, it hits me that it's not really just my literal fence which seems hopelessly irreparable, but some of my figurative fences keep falling down too.

The fence around my back yard is ridiculously pathetic. It's rotten, it has holes from the dog of previous tenants, and I my neighbor and I keep trying to nail it back together. When the Property Owners Association complained enough about the gate, the owners finally replaced it, but nothing on the rest of the fence. My neighbor has confronted the property management company, and the actual owners, but they don't seem to get along too well.  According to each side, the other has been "threatening." I stay out of that. I just pay my rent, and try not to be a problem tenant. But the winds have been crazy around here the last few days, well, last few months really, and it has finally taken down a section between me and my neighbor which will finally bring the fence issue to an end. At least that's my hope, and at least for that one side of the fence.

So, it's been a tenuous fence from the start when I moved in 2 years ago. It has done it's best to protect me and to give me a certain amount of privacy, but it just hasn't got any staying power left now.

The same thing keeps happening with my figurative fences, and I'm trying to look at it with the same positive light. When I moved down to Texas a couple of years ago, I was shedding some of the stress, toxic people, and crap which had invaded my life like a soul eating parasite! It was a new beginning for me and the boys, but it was scary, really scary. No job, no home, no money, and 2 boys to take care of, but also a firm belief that it would all work. Well, it did, and it was the right thing to do, but although I really felt the fresh start, the leaving behind a lot of toxicisity, the return to people and places I love, etc.  . . . I also brought some of my own "fences" with me. As I think about those fences I brought, they are very similar to the physical one around my backyard.

The figurative fences I've built have provided me with protection from some of the dangers in my life. They've kept the "bad" out, but sometimes they don't let the "good" in either. I left some of them behind when I started over here, but the really strong ones were carefully packed in the car with me. You have to have really special permission to get beyond those walls, and few people do. But it's the weaker, rotten, patched fences I've been taking down lately. Turns out, they've done more harm than good. They hid , in a feeble way, some of the mess I've been living with. I can't hide the big messes from the world anymore. Surprise! I'm a mess! Everyone knows about the mess that we're dealing with regarding Ethan, everyone knows much of the mess that was my "marriage," the mess that it is dealing with my ex-husband, the mess that is often my financial world, etc. The reality is, we're all a mess, every single one of us out here in the world. Some just have stronger fences to hid the mess. But guess what, they don't last forever. Over the last two years, I've learned to let the rotten fences, which hid the messes, just erode on their own. Certain people have been helpful by giving me an ax to use to aid in that destruction. Now that they're crumbling, I realize how badly damaged they are. They weren't really doing much good in shielding me. It was a very thin veil. I want them gone; the maintenance on an eroding, rotten structure is more than I'm willing to give anymore. Wasted energy.

I guess I'm simply not ashamed to let my figurative yard be visible to the world anymore. It's not very attractive. I have a black thumb, the beds are a little wild, but they also grow some beautiful roses which require no care from me. The basics are taken care of. The grass is cut regularly, and the edges are trimmed. The weeds are there, but are in control enough to no longer get notices from the POA.  There is no sprinkler system, so the grass is a little dry, but it's there. It's patient with my rare watering. I would like for it all to "look" better, but most of the time, I really don't care.

When whatever portion of new fence is installed in my backyard, I'll look at it differently now. It'll be a nice addition to the yard, not a barrier to hide things.

And those other, really solid walls I carefully packed up and moved with me? Well, I'm working on those. They're pretty darn hefty though. Perhaps when I figure out the proper medieval siege instrument needed to completely penetrate them, I'll attack them more. The reality is, they protect some deep scars, and they'll take longer. For now, at least I'm ridding myself of the rotten fences. A start . . .

How Facebook saved my life . . . well, sort of

I started this a couple of days ago . . .

Today I made contact with a friend I taught with during the dark time that was . . . teaching in Atlanta! Janie was one of my favorite people there, and I don't know what I would have done without her. I was thinking about her last night and took a gamble that I was FBing the correct person. I was! It was wonderful to hear from her today. It's been 22, gulp, years since I saw her last. So this makes me ponder the gift of Facebook.

I was a reluctant joiner. Lots of kids at the college were getting on it and talking about it, but it seemed like a kid thing, and I was too crazy in my own life to spend time on anything else. What finally forced me to join was my 25th high school reunion -- but not until after the reunion. When I was helping to notify people of the reunion plans, I relied on Classmates, and thought that was pretty cool. It was a difficult reunion to find people for because it was only 2 years after Katrina, and everyone was scattered to the winds (I graduated from Riverdale High School in New Orleans, for those of you who were wondering what my reunion had to do with Katrina.) It was hard to get the word out, and anyone not on Classmates had to hear it by word of mouth. In the end, there were people still in town who never knew about it because that word of mouth hadn't gotten to them. That was a shame.

The reunion fell at a good time in my life, when I really needed it. I was still digging myself out of my divorce, and had stabilized just enough to realize that I no longer had any idea who I was anymore. My identity had been lost in wife, mother, worker. In my marriage, I had been kept distant from my friends without really realizing the extent of the distance. When I began to get MY life back, I wanted my friends back. I had missed them all terribly! I've always been a social person, and the friendships I've made over the years are one the most important things in my life. I rely on the kindness, support, laughter, fun, etc. I was always good about writing  (yes, actual letters) to people and visiting whenever I could, but all of that had been lost over the years when I was in Ohio and the "ex" was using his psychological manipulation to control my ability to keep the lines open. So, going to my 25th reunion was a HUGE way to rediscover myself. It truly shocked me as I heard the way people referred to me and described me. It was like they were talking about someone I hadn't seen in a long time! Oh wait, I hadn't seen that person in a long time. I kept having fleeting thoughts along the lines of, "She sounds like a pretty nice person," only to realize I was thinking that about myself. I was relearning the things I liked and valued, what was meaningful to me, what my goals had been in the past, and most importantly, what I still had to offer and give in my life. What an awakening it was!!! Had I not gone to that reunion, rediscovered these friends, and accepted the person they seemed to know, I think I wouldn't have been able to get off of the path I was on, which wasn't my true path.

When I returned home from the reunion, I wanted to stay in touch with everyone, and that's when I gave in to the FB addiction. When I fell, I fell hard. I would come home after a long, hard day at work, get the kids fed and in bed, and somewhere around midnight, I'd hop on FB and feel much less alone reading what others had done with the day and what they had to say, joking about silly stuff, etc. How I needed that company, virtual as it was, it was soooo real to me! I thought it was a great blessing to have the contact, but I didn't realize how much more was going to come with it. I had found high school and middle school friends, and I was happy.

Then one day, a friend called. She was a fellow little sister in my college fraternity (Sigma Alpha Mu aka Sammys), and one of the very few people I had managed to stay in touch with from that group of friends. She was as diligent as I was about contact, otherwise I'm sure I would have lost her too. My ex NEVER would have fit in with my Sammy brothers and sisters!! (Of course that should have been my first sign, right! He also didn't like New Orleans! Ding, ding, ding, ding!) Anyway, she had just discovered her daughter reading a book by the fantastic young adult author, Libba Bray! Libba was one of our pledge sisters! Cool! We had to find her. We did, not through FB though, but when she called to catch up, she mentioned finding one of the Sammy brothers on FB the night before.  . . . It had never even occurred to me to look people from other groups of my life up on FB! Why hadn't it???? So I sent him a friend request that night, completely sure he wouldn't even remember who I was. Fortunately he did, and within 24 hours, I had reconnected with nearly 30 people I thought I had completely lost forever!!! That number grew quickly, and huge! I couldn't believe it! I said to one of them that I thought I had lost them all, to which she responded, "We've been here all along,it was you who left. Glad you're back." She was right. Most of these folks I hadn't seen in about 20+years. By this point, the boys and I had already decided to move back to Texas, but that was when we were still planning to move to San Antonio. I couldn't wait to get down to see everyone, and I came as quickly as possible. It helped me realize that I needed to come back to Denton , where I felt at home, and be with people who knew the real ME again. What an amazing comfort!!

Last summer, another piece of my life was put in place when I found my elementary school class, through FB of course, and went to the class of 1976 reunion down in Houston. How anyone from that long ago could possibly remember me after all this time was so strange, but it was consistent with what I had already been discovering about myself. The bottom line was that when all the pieces of my childhood, middle school, high school, and college days were put together, they formed a mosaic of a person I enjoyed rediscovering. I did matter to other people. I was valued. I was worth it. I was ok. I was still in there, and slowly peeling back the layers of defense, hurt, struggle, and fear. I was there, and I was going to be ok because I was now on my way back. I had the pieces of my life repainted, I was back in the classroom where I belonged, I was closer to family and friends, I was in a much better state of mind to raise my boys and set the example of living a full life. It's still a work in progress, but I'm making forward movement pretty regularly.

I guess my point then is that Facebook did save my life in a way. Through it, I found all the people who played a part in various stages of my life. In each person, there was a little piece of me which they had unknowingly preserved, and gave back to me when I resurfaced. Ten or twenty years ago, I don't know how this would have been possible. I now know people I didn't know very well a long time ago, but have grown to dearly love. I know people I've never met, but are a perfect connection for my sense of humor, and I dearly love them. I have connected with friends I only knew for 10 days on a tour of Italy back in 1987, and although we have written each other regularly for all of these years, I have them at my fingertips now. The wonderful woman who used to do my hair in Denton remembered me even. Now think about how many heads she had seen? (Love you Jana!) And I now have Janie, from the Atlanta years. I love putting this puzzle together. I love my life, all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It all makes the picture of me more complete, and that feels good.

In my Sammy days, we had a frat house with a great front porch where we would gather daily, laugh, talk, have a drink, give a hug, sometimes even do homework (nah!), and generally enjoy each other. It was a happy place to be, and I knew that if I was having a bad day, I could go sit on the porch for a while and feel better soon. When my Sammy friends are on FB, we have referred to sitting on the virtual porch. My porch has grown, and now my friends from different groups are making friends with my other friends. (I think you get it.) My virtual porch is big, it can hold lots of people, it offers plenty of love, support, humor, advice, and encouragement, and it's a very happy place to sit with ALL of my friends. :) I thank Facebook for bringing me the preservers of my life so I could have them back again.

A priceless Ethan moment from 2009

I ran across this when finding the other two posts about moving, and it gave me a happy giggle. I like giggling about Ethan, so I thought I'd share it too. Boys!

When is a rack not a rack?

by Leigh Range on Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 1:11pm

This is one of those moments that I wanted to remember about my dear, sweet 13 year old son when he is older and complaining about his own children doing stupid things.

Ethan is home sick from school today, and actually wanted to do some science homework on the computer. Unfortunately, he's grounded from everything in life, so I had to break down and tell him where my laptop was hidden.

I told him to go into my closet and look on top of the lower rack on the left. Not too hard, right? For some reason he was struggling with these directions. After several rounds of, "I don't see it!" followed by me saying, "ok, there's a top rack, and a bottom rack. It's on top of the bottom rack." We each kept repeating these responses, and I'm wondering what part of his brain Ethan had actually damaged in his sleep somehow. I mean, the closet isn't THAT big, and we did determine that he was actually looking on the left side of the closet as instructed, what could the problem possibly be? Finally, after I rather forcefully repeated the top rack, bottom rack line again. He found it. Whew! Good lord! So I say, "Why on earth couldn't you find it before?" To which he responded, "Well, when you say RACK, I think BOOBS!" What???????

I proceeded to inform him that he was a complete idiot! His response to that was, "No, I'm just a 13 year old boy! To me, that's what a rack is." Oh I get it now, I'm thinking, because surely it would have made sense that I'd tell him to go to the closet and look on top of the lower BOOBS on the left side! Right?

When did we go from this:

Ethan at 6 months

to this?

Who, me?

Oh if he were only this easy now!!! I miss those days, but now know that he had already been exposed to ugliness and evil. Bless him. That sweet child is still in there, but he's scared and hurt. I pray daily that he will fieel the confidence to come back out.

Repost: Update on Move (2009)

Figured I might as well finish up the story of the great migration from Ohio to Texas in 2009. As you know already, we didn't move to San Antonio. Instead, we came back to Denton. Soooooo glad I did. I'm happy here. :)

Update on the Texas move!

by Leigh Range on Wednesday, June 3, 2009 at 1:13pm

I've gotten bunches of questions and notes from many of you asking what the hell I'm doing regarding the move to San Antonio, so I thought I'd write the answers in a note here to make it easier for all.

What the hell am I doing?
Apparently not exactly what I THOUGHT I was doing, but still basic plan in place. I've spent the last 10 days down in TX looking for a house, trying to make plans, etc. As I went about San Antonio looking for housing, schools and all, it just kept feeling more and more like this wasn't the right thing afterall. Moving back to Texas was definitely the right thing, but San Antonio was not feeling the right place to be within Texas. After a few days, I had a little breakdown and knew for sure that it wasn't where we were supposed to be. But now what? I've quit my job, sold my house, and have to go somewhere!AND have two kids in tow who can't know how incredibly confused I am or they will start to worry. Crap! Time to rethink this venture.

Many of you asked why San Antonio in the first place, and while my sister and dad were much of the reason, I also just figured I'd try some place new. That question was usually followed by the why not back up north to the D/FW area, and the best answer I could ever give to that one was because I'd already done that twice. However, in my frustration with the search in SA, all I wanted to do was head up north where I felt at home, and be with my friends. BELLS GOING OFF HERE! LIGHT BULB GOING ON! Duh! Maybe that's where I should be looking in the first place? Time for a gut check, so the next day I hop in the car and head up to Denton/DFW for the weekend, just to see. As I got closer, I felt more and more at home. I was also able to get in touch with some old friends at the former school district I worked for last, and even had a really productive day meeting people and talking on Monday. Everything seemed so much more "right." Housing --- well there's tons of it. School districts --- several good ones to choose from. Job opportunities --- more. Seems like a no brainer doesn't it? The other requirements of friends and family are more than met as well. And finally, I discovered I'm really not any farther away from family in Huntsville, Houston, and College Station than I was in SA. That was the last puzzle piece.

So, as I am almost always a "glass half full" kind of person, I've decided to look at this as a "third time's the charm situation." I think I just fought it for a few reasons that really don't hold up, and I have had many happy times up there both times I've lived there before. It all feels right, and that goes a long way.

While I was gone over the 10 days, all hell was breaking loose back in Ohio. Ethan and his father had a rather bad fight which led to Ethan (at 13) staying at the house by himself for most of the time I was gone. Fortunately, the house is still standing, and basically he did very well and was very responsible, but that whole common sense thing is still a bit of a missing link in the 13 year old brain. The other tragedy was that one of our cats died, and it was hard for me and the boys not to be together. We will miss our Gulu Gulu very much :( !!! It was a big surprise.

Now, over the next four weeks, I've got to finish up my job, pack up, sell up what I'm not packing up, make all the PODS arrangements, ship the kids off, and then on July 1st, Gertie (the remaining cat) and I will head down to the Denton area. For those of you who haven't been there for many years, it's not at all how you remember it, and yet it is. It is probably 3 times the size it was back in the old days, and the whole area has grown up so unbelievably that you just simply have to see it to believe it. Not really the small college town it used to be, but still maintains those characteristics as well.

I'll let you know when I have a final "planting" location after I get down there in July. All I can say is that life is weird, and sometimes those winds of change blow you in a direction you weren't expecting. The great bit of wisdom I've learned through many difficult and trying times over the last several year is, what happens as the unexpected is usually what the best answer is in the end. Sometimes you have to learn how to shut and listen, and pay attention to the signs in front of you. My stubborn nature has some difficulty in that area, but I'm getting better. The basic plan is still in place, just a new locale.

That's what's up with the move. If any of you out there are sitting around with absolutely nothing to do and think it would be fun to pack boxes, have a yard sale, and drive 1,200 miles with me and a cat, let me know! LOL

I love each and every one of you and can't tell you how much I've needed and appreciated all of your support. You guys do a great job of encouraging me and telling me I can do it. Thanks!

Repost: My Catch Up Story

This is something I posted a couple of years ago (2009) when I first started finding everyone on Facebook. I got tired of explaining the chaos every time, so wrote it up. Imagine that? Lol. Decided to archive it here.

My catch up story . . .

by Leigh Range on Monday, January 19, 2009 at 10:03pm

Chapter 1: I was born. (oh wait, that would be plagiarism!)

Seriously, I left off with some of you at high school and some of you in college, so skip around:

1982-88 The Denton, TX years:
went to college at what is now UNT --- joind Sigma Alpha Mu Fraternity (Sammy's) as a little sister --- loved it and made wonderful friends who I'm happy to have found again --- moved across town to TWU and finished my degree in education & reading --- taught at Grapevine Middle School --- great job! --- decided I needed a change so moved to Atlanta, GA

1988-89 the brief Atlanta years: taught 6th grade, loved the kids, but really bad teaching situation--- got very ill with Epstein-Barr Virus and couldn't continue --- came back to Texas

1990-92 the Huntsville, TX years:
got better --- went to grad school at Sam Houston State and earned a Master's in History -- certified in secondary history & English (just in case I needed. This was before I fully realized that you rarely get to teach history or social studies unless you can also coach something!) ---- really happy time --- studied mainly medieval and British history through Tudor period. Really, is there anything else? --- met future husband and moved on with him while he did his doctorate

1992-96 the Denton, TX years Part II:
married --- taught at Northwest HS in Justin, TX while husband goes to school --- loved this job! --- still miss some of those kids! --- had Ethan in 1995 !!!!! --- happy, happy, happy baby! --- got to stay home with him and loved it --- husband gets PhD in English from UNT and then gets a job

1996-2004 the Ohio years:
Move to Ohio for husband to teach at Muskingum College --- after first year, finally back in the classroom teaching at the College too as part-time and loving it!!! --- 1999 Asa is born!!!!! --- another sweet boy! --- Life seems pretty good

2004- present, still Ohio, but everything changes:
ooops, just thought life was pretty good, apparently we didn't all feel that way! --- need full-time job, husband leaving --- accepted offer of Asst. to VPAA for Student Services at Muskingum --- life of official single parenting begins --- learn tons of new skills in education programming, etc, but work too much, always worn out, too much time away from kids ---- hard to switch to no summers off after all these years! --- 2005 divorce is final --- boys and I move on --- lots of health issues --- I'll get over it --- stay positive, more out there for me yet!

Currently: realized in the last few years how much I miss my "old" self and working hard to get back there --- friends are priceless! --- been up here almost 13 years without family and couldn't have made it without my friends --- making some changes in my life, my kids and I are moving back to Texas, to San Antonio to be exact, and I'm going to go back to public school teaching--- I miss the classroom terribly and although I've enjoyed some aspects of administration, it's not for me forever --- looking forward to having more time with my own kids, and doing what I love and am best at--- know exactly what I need to do for me and the boys --- just a bit frightening making such a big move and change with kids in tow -- wish us luck!

Life may change, but some things, many of the best things, don't. My mantra is, "It is what it is." Live it, learn from it, and keep going. More to see, do, and experience. Don't want to miss out on anything. Love to travel!! In the course of all these years squeezed in a few trips to England, Ireland, and Italy, some of my favorite places. Art, history, beauty, peacefulness, and love make me feel alive. Adore Ethan and Asa! They suck the life out of me, but I wouldn't trade them for anything! Hope to get out into the world again in the coming year, maybe even go on a date . . . no, that might be going a bit too far.

Anyway, I'm happy and excited about life still. Hard not to be. I'm even more glad to have so many of you back in my life!

What's in a name?

So, I've been asked why I called my blog Dunbeg Dreaming: Thoughts from the cliff. Here's why . . .

Have you ever been somewhere that had an incredible, indescribable hold on you? A place where you're sure you've been before? I can't say that I believe in reincarnation in the traditional Hindu sense, I'm quite the Episcopalian in my thinking (Episcopalian aka almost a Catholic.) However, knowing that energy never dies, I have to believe that there are aspects of our souls which do pass through time, and since "time" is a human creation, who knows when anything is actually "happening" in the universe?!

All that being said, what does it have to do with Dunbeg Dreaming? Well, I've been to several places in my travels where I've had the overwhelming sensation I had been there before, in some other place and time. One example was my first trip to Rome, Italy, in 1987. I creeped out a friend I was wandering with for the day from our tour group, by never once referring to a map of the city, and yet getting us where we wanted to go with complete ease. After touring St. Peter's, we headed toward the Pantheon. I said to her, rather matter of factly, "Just follow me. I know how to get there." Off we went, and I was right. I hadn't even realized that I had done it. My friend pointed it out to me as we were wandering through the Forum and I was giving her a not-so-mini history lesson. Finally, she just stopped dead in her tracks and said, "Leigh, you are completely giving me the creeps! Stop knowing it like you were here yesterday!" Then I realized what she was talking about. Wow! Kind of creeped myself out after that. So when I went back in 2008, I thought I'd test myself to see if I still had it. Yep! As long as I was in the "old" section, I could go anywhere, know exactly where I was, and never get lost or confused. In the Forum, I had the same sense of recognition I felt 20 years earlier. Then, in order to test a little more, I ventured into the more modern sections, and I was completely lost. Ended up taking a taxi back to my hotel because I was totally disoriented, and that had nothing to do with the wine. :)

There are places in England where I've felt similar experiences, like in York, or the far north of Scotland. But the place I felt it the strongest ever was at the little Iron Age fort on the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland. It's Fort Dunbeg. That is a picture of it I'm using as my thumbnail here. I'll never forget the first time I was there. My sister, Katharine, and I were on a trip to Ireland together (2003, we think). It was my first time over, and I was loving every minute. My family history is pretty purely Irish, Scottish, English, and Welsh, so I always feel a strong connection to that part of the world. The Irish music sinks deeeep into my soul, as if I can feel it moving through my blood. I love the ancient history of the variety of peoples who inhabited Ireland, and I find it fascinating that there are no indigenous people of Ireland. Anyway, we were driving out on the Dingle Peninsula, and had seen Fort Dunbeg listed in one of the guide books, so decided to look for it. It's so small, and everything is blessedly not touristified there, so we almost drove past it. As soon as we got out of the car though, I took a deep breath of that cold, crisp, ancient sea air. As I went closer to the fort, I felt more and more "at home." I almost wanted to run to it like the Prodigal Son who hadn't been home for many years. It was an overwhelming feeling. The waves were crashing around the cliffs and rocks, the cold wind was blowing, and I have never felt more at home anywhere, at any time in my life. I walked through the doorway opening to the interior, and could just "see" all the activity and life that had been there. That fullness of soul is something so unusual. My mind felt crystal clear and at peace. I watched the waves crash, the sheep eating grass right up to the edge of the cliff, and just stood on that cliff --- thinking. I could have stayed there, watching the waves, feeling the air, etc. forever.

It's safe to say that Katharine didn't quite have the same experience. I believe her response was something like, "Yea, this is cool. Ok, it's too fucking cold! Let's go!" Not that she didn't appreciate it, but it wasn't the same. You crack me up Katharine!

In 2007, I had the priviledge of co-leading a group of students from our college in Ohio on a trip to Ireland. As my friend Meri Linn and I planned the agenda, I insisted that we make a stop at Fort Dunbeg. She was game for anything. We had a great group of kids for this trip, and it was clearly obvious on the day we did our Dingle trip. That morning is was cold, VERY windy, and light drizzle. The tour guide and bus driver had never even heard of Fort Dunbeg (and yes, they were from Ireland), and when the driver finally found it, the tour director looked at me as if I was a little crazy. It was just a little stone compound. Even worse, the wind was now GALE FORCE, with a driving rain that felt like needles!! So she says to me as I start to get up to leave the bus, "You don't actually want to go out there in this, on the cliff, do you?" Of course I do! I said that anybody who wanted to join me was welcome to, but it was optional. I just needed about 15 minutes and I'd be happy. Well, every single one of those kids went out there!! I was so proud of them! They didn't want to miss out on anything, even this little pile of stones. The wind was so strong we could barely stand up. Those kids ventured out to the cliff, climbed the rocks, and loved it! Fortunately, we didn't find out until that night just how strong the winds were, and thank goodness they were blowing inland! We didn't lose anyone off the cliff, and in the end, it was the favorite day for most of them.

So Dunbeg . . . . it's my home. Some part of me was there a very, very long time ago, and it is still part of my soul. I long for another trip back, but until then, I like to visualize the cliffs when I need to relax and think, and I'm dunbeg dreaming :)

A youtube video that someone took:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ4cc6qOhKI