As we sat in the waiting area tonight, waiting for family counseling, I commented to Ethan that it was our one week anniversary. He's been home a week today.
The difference between the Ethan who came home from a year in the rehab program at the detention center, and the Ethan who came home from the relapse program, is astonishing!! He made more progress in those additional four months than he has in four years. This is a blessing. It's been a quiet, peaceful, enjoyable week.
So, on the seventh day, . . . . I rest.
I rest in my faith, and my hope, and my belief that Ethan will continue to move forward. Will it always be smooth? Certainly not. Will there be setbacks? Definitely. Can we weather them? I believe we can, and I have faith that we will. I hope for the best for his future, but I have faith that he will attempt to walk the road. I feel better about my son's future today, than I have in years. Being able to say that means a great deal. Each day is a struggle, but I'll take each of his days one day at a time.
Throughout the ordeals of the past four years, Asa has grown from a 9 year old frightened child, into a 13 year old much notably more confident young man. His patience and understanding has been a golden touch to everything. He is good. He is strong. He is happy. And, he has learned!!
Throughout the ordeals of the past four years, and several before that, I have learned an amazing amount about myself. For many years, it seemed like life was just going to be one big crisis after another. A never ending cycle. For the last week, that cycle has ceased. I'm grateful. I see the light at the end of the tunnel for each of us, . . . . yes, even for myself. It's getting brighter. Keep coming!!
So, on the seventh day, I rest.
I rest in my faith, in my many blessings, in the peace of my home, in the smiles of my boys, in the lounging of my cat, in the knowledge that we are all survivors, in the blanket of love that has held me together, and in seeing a brighter day.
Rest.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Payday fantasies . . . .
Every month, between the 20th and 25th, I engage in a remarkably fabulous fantasy life!! It's stimulating, exhilarating, fulfilling, and satisfying. It's wonderful!
Let me explain . . . .
My fantasy is that when that monthly paycheck comes, I will be able to pay every single bill in full, I will be able to buy all those things I've run out of and need, and I will be able to fully stock the fridge and the freezer. For the last 25 years of my career in education, I have been paid on a monthly basis. You'd THINK at some point I'd reach a method of stretching that one check out over the course of the month, but it's just never worked out that way. One problem with monthly pay is that at times, it's a FIVE WEEK pay period instead of just four weeks. And then, to add insult to injury it's nearly SIX weeks between the December and January pay!! So . . . I fantasize.
Today is October 2nd. I got paid a week ago. That monthly euphoria hit, and I went crazy! Crazy I tell you!! I paid the electric bill, the cable bundle thing, the cell phones, rent, the water bill, the car insurance, filled the car up, and filled the fridge too. It was heavenly! The excitement lasted an entire week!!! I even took Asa out to eat one night. Frivolous, I know. And now . . . .
we wait. For three weeks, we will wait to experience the thrill again.
It's so strange how accustomed we've all grown to it over the years. I know I'm no different from thousands of others out there, and if they're lucky, they're better at stretching than I am. I'm actually not whining here. Really!! I'm fortunate to have a job. I'm even more fortunate to have a job doing what I love, even more so, to know exactly what it is that I love doing. I mention this tonight because sometimes the pattern just strikes me, and I think, "Leigh, when the hell are you ever going to figure this out?" My response is always, "Face it, you never will."
I think I'm right. I'll never figure it out. I didn't become a teacher for the money, total cliche, nobody does. I accept my inability to stretch farther, so that I can keep doing this. When I get frustrated, I think about the amazing kids I've had the blessing to know, and what all they've each taught me. When I get frustrated, I think about the kid in class the other day who, about 20 minutes after we finished reading "The Pardoner's Tale," piped up and said, "Wait, I get it! It was Death, and Death was able to kill the guys because they were greedy! Brilliant!" Of course, the rest of us had reached that realization 20 minutes earlier, but his face and smile were priceless when he reached it.
When I'm frustrated, I think about watching my history kids in the dual-credit class as they take their first college test for me. They begin with big, wide eyes, nervous. After writing for a pretty solid 80 minutes, they bravely bring me the blue book, which contains the great outpouring of knowledge. The ones who have followed my instruction for studying, etc., are proud of the job they've done, and it shows in the nervous smile. I love that!!
When I'm frustrated, I look around my house, and realize that I have everything I need, especially as long as I keep the essential bills paid. We are a comfortable little family. Asa and I have gotten very used to life with just the two of us, and we welcome the thought of Ethan rejoining our home soon. We have plenty. We don't need more. I don't really even want more. Shockingly, the boys basically agree with me on this point. We've been through a lot, and we still have each other. Just being able to say that is enormous. As you know, I haven't been so sure I would always be able to say it. Ethan is still alive; what more do we need?
When I'm frustrated, I still fantasize. I dream of all sorts of things. I fantasize about traveling again. I fantasize about buying some new clothes. I fantasize about buying a new camera and really doing some serious photography. I fantasize about being able to spend real time writing. I fantasize about being able to retire, cook for and feed people for fun, and spend some time on adult literacy. I fantasize about all sorts of strange things. (And yes, I fantasize about "other things," but the blog doesn't seem to be the appropriate place to express those thoughts. I'm not totally boring!)
So, the payday fantasy will continue. When it frustrates me, I'll continue to remind myself of all those things that make it worth it, and I'll wait for the next three weeks to feel it again.
Let me explain . . . .
My fantasy is that when that monthly paycheck comes, I will be able to pay every single bill in full, I will be able to buy all those things I've run out of and need, and I will be able to fully stock the fridge and the freezer. For the last 25 years of my career in education, I have been paid on a monthly basis. You'd THINK at some point I'd reach a method of stretching that one check out over the course of the month, but it's just never worked out that way. One problem with monthly pay is that at times, it's a FIVE WEEK pay period instead of just four weeks. And then, to add insult to injury it's nearly SIX weeks between the December and January pay!! So . . . I fantasize.
Today is October 2nd. I got paid a week ago. That monthly euphoria hit, and I went crazy! Crazy I tell you!! I paid the electric bill, the cable bundle thing, the cell phones, rent, the water bill, the car insurance, filled the car up, and filled the fridge too. It was heavenly! The excitement lasted an entire week!!! I even took Asa out to eat one night. Frivolous, I know. And now . . . .
we wait. For three weeks, we will wait to experience the thrill again.
It's so strange how accustomed we've all grown to it over the years. I know I'm no different from thousands of others out there, and if they're lucky, they're better at stretching than I am. I'm actually not whining here. Really!! I'm fortunate to have a job. I'm even more fortunate to have a job doing what I love, even more so, to know exactly what it is that I love doing. I mention this tonight because sometimes the pattern just strikes me, and I think, "Leigh, when the hell are you ever going to figure this out?" My response is always, "Face it, you never will."
I think I'm right. I'll never figure it out. I didn't become a teacher for the money, total cliche, nobody does. I accept my inability to stretch farther, so that I can keep doing this. When I get frustrated, I think about the amazing kids I've had the blessing to know, and what all they've each taught me. When I get frustrated, I think about the kid in class the other day who, about 20 minutes after we finished reading "The Pardoner's Tale," piped up and said, "Wait, I get it! It was Death, and Death was able to kill the guys because they were greedy! Brilliant!" Of course, the rest of us had reached that realization 20 minutes earlier, but his face and smile were priceless when he reached it.
When I'm frustrated, I think about watching my history kids in the dual-credit class as they take their first college test for me. They begin with big, wide eyes, nervous. After writing for a pretty solid 80 minutes, they bravely bring me the blue book, which contains the great outpouring of knowledge. The ones who have followed my instruction for studying, etc., are proud of the job they've done, and it shows in the nervous smile. I love that!!
When I'm frustrated, I look around my house, and realize that I have everything I need, especially as long as I keep the essential bills paid. We are a comfortable little family. Asa and I have gotten very used to life with just the two of us, and we welcome the thought of Ethan rejoining our home soon. We have plenty. We don't need more. I don't really even want more. Shockingly, the boys basically agree with me on this point. We've been through a lot, and we still have each other. Just being able to say that is enormous. As you know, I haven't been so sure I would always be able to say it. Ethan is still alive; what more do we need?
When I'm frustrated, I still fantasize. I dream of all sorts of things. I fantasize about traveling again. I fantasize about buying some new clothes. I fantasize about buying a new camera and really doing some serious photography. I fantasize about being able to spend real time writing. I fantasize about being able to retire, cook for and feed people for fun, and spend some time on adult literacy. I fantasize about all sorts of strange things. (And yes, I fantasize about "other things," but the blog doesn't seem to be the appropriate place to express those thoughts. I'm not totally boring!)
So, the payday fantasy will continue. When it frustrates me, I'll continue to remind myself of all those things that make it worth it, and I'll wait for the next three weeks to feel it again.
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