As I sit here listening to the wonderfully strong winds blowing through the opening of my downed fence, it hits me that it's not really just my literal fence which seems hopelessly irreparable, but some of my figurative fences keep falling down too.
The fence around my back yard is ridiculously pathetic. It's rotten, it has holes from the dog of previous tenants, and I my neighbor and I keep trying to nail it back together. When the Property Owners Association complained enough about the gate, the owners finally replaced it, but nothing on the rest of the fence. My neighbor has confronted the property management company, and the actual owners, but they don't seem to get along too well. According to each side, the other has been "threatening." I stay out of that. I just pay my rent, and try not to be a problem tenant. But the winds have been crazy around here the last few days, well, last few months really, and it has finally taken down a section between me and my neighbor which will finally bring the fence issue to an end. At least that's my hope, and at least for that one side of the fence.
So, it's been a tenuous fence from the start when I moved in 2 years ago. It has done it's best to protect me and to give me a certain amount of privacy, but it just hasn't got any staying power left now.
The same thing keeps happening with my figurative fences, and I'm trying to look at it with the same positive light. When I moved down to Texas a couple of years ago, I was shedding some of the stress, toxic people, and crap which had invaded my life like a soul eating parasite! It was a new beginning for me and the boys, but it was scary, really scary. No job, no home, no money, and 2 boys to take care of, but also a firm belief that it would all work. Well, it did, and it was the right thing to do, but although I really felt the fresh start, the leaving behind a lot of toxicisity, the return to people and places I love, etc. . . . I also brought some of my own "fences" with me. As I think about those fences I brought, they are very similar to the physical one around my backyard.
The figurative fences I've built have provided me with protection from some of the dangers in my life. They've kept the "bad" out, but sometimes they don't let the "good" in either. I left some of them behind when I started over here, but the really strong ones were carefully packed in the car with me. You have to have really special permission to get beyond those walls, and few people do. But it's the weaker, rotten, patched fences I've been taking down lately. Turns out, they've done more harm than good. They hid , in a feeble way, some of the mess I've been living with. I can't hide the big messes from the world anymore. Surprise! I'm a mess! Everyone knows about the mess that we're dealing with regarding Ethan, everyone knows much of the mess that was my "marriage," the mess that it is dealing with my ex-husband, the mess that is often my financial world, etc. The reality is, we're all a mess, every single one of us out here in the world. Some just have stronger fences to hid the mess. But guess what, they don't last forever. Over the last two years, I've learned to let the rotten fences, which hid the messes, just erode on their own. Certain people have been helpful by giving me an ax to use to aid in that destruction. Now that they're crumbling, I realize how badly damaged they are. They weren't really doing much good in shielding me. It was a very thin veil. I want them gone; the maintenance on an eroding, rotten structure is more than I'm willing to give anymore. Wasted energy.
I guess I'm simply not ashamed to let my figurative yard be visible to the world anymore. It's not very attractive. I have a black thumb, the beds are a little wild, but they also grow some beautiful roses which require no care from me. The basics are taken care of. The grass is cut regularly, and the edges are trimmed. The weeds are there, but are in control enough to no longer get notices from the POA. There is no sprinkler system, so the grass is a little dry, but it's there. It's patient with my rare watering. I would like for it all to "look" better, but most of the time, I really don't care.
When whatever portion of new fence is installed in my backyard, I'll look at it differently now. It'll be a nice addition to the yard, not a barrier to hide things.
And those other, really solid walls I carefully packed up and moved with me? Well, I'm working on those. They're pretty darn hefty though. Perhaps when I figure out the proper medieval siege instrument needed to completely penetrate them, I'll attack them more. The reality is, they protect some deep scars, and they'll take longer. For now, at least I'm ridding myself of the rotten fences. A start . . .
