2012: A Year in Review . . . .

I just looked back and read a couple of entries I made at the beginning of January 2012, and although I had some sadness and worry, I sounded pretty optimistic about being able to move forward in life, to continue to work on finding the missing pieces and putting them in place. I think I managed to stay that way for a few months, but then slipped again. Ok, so perhaps that was progress, right? A slip isn't an end. So, time to get back up, and continue on this journey. Before I do that though, I need to look back. I need to see where I began the slip, and where exactly I am now . . . .

January
Signed up for catechism classes at St. Mark Catholic Church. I went forward with converting from being Episcopalian to Catholic. I began the classes at the beginning of the month, and my cousin's wonderful wife, Elizabeth, was my sponsor. This was one of the most "right" things I did this year. I felt positive, excited, and completely open to what was coming my way.

February
An old friend of mine had been out of work for several months, and was really in a bind for a place to live. I was happy to be able to offer the guest room to this person for a couple of months while he worked on relocating and finding a job. I couldn't imagine NOT doing it for a friend who needed help. Within 3 days of moving in, he had a job, and was on his way to being able to change his situation around. I was thrilled for him.

March
March included a wonderful trip to New Orleans and Mississippi. Spring break fell just at the right time to make it to NOLA for the Metairie Rd. St. Patrick's Parade. It had been 30 years since I'd been to a parade!! I loved it! There is nothing like a NOLA parade! Since I was traveling by myself, I took time to work on some photography, and to do and see what I wanted. After New Orleans, I drove up to Vicksburg, Mississippi. On the drive up there, I realized that what I was taking pictures of were places and things that were falling apart. It was a subconscious focus. I think it reflected my continuing to find beauty in imperfection. My life was certainly imperfect. Certain areas had a weak foundation, a roof falling in, broken windows, etc. But, what life doesn't include these things? We are all imperfect, and live imperfect lives, but they are beautiful in their own unique ways. On this trip, I was also able to spend a little time with an old friend from high school, which was wonderful! Thanks Sam! I returned from this trip feeling revived, relaxed and ready for what was coming next.

April
What was coming next, was Ethan finally coming home from the POST Rehab Program he'd been in at the juvenile detention center for just about a year. It had been a very long year, but I had high hopes for him, and again, he was in a better place than ever before. His homecoming coincided with my confirmation into the Catholic Church, and it all felt like a new start for us. I was optimistic.

May
May brought the culmination of a horrible work environment, and I decided that it was bad enough for me to have the guts to write to the principal. I was tired of the bullying, verbal abuse, lying, etc. that I, and many others were dealing with. I'd had it, and figured that if I wasn't wanted there, I would go elsewhere. At the same time, I was working hard to keep myself, my family, and a group of very at-risk kids together for graduation. By the end of May, it all fell apart. Ethan had relapsed. As I later discovered, he had really been relapsing since his furloughs in February, on alcohol. They didn't test for that when he returned to the detention center. His "friends" were sneaking it to him. I was blind. He admitted that he had been on a 4 day meth binge. Although he came forward with the admission, and seemed ready to face it, at the last minute, he decided to run away.

June
June began with Ethan gone. I was terrified that while he was gone, he would overdose. I was frantic to find him, but he managed to find people to hide him out, at least for a while. I was a wreck trying to wrap up the school year and make it though graduation. On top of Ethan missing, Gertie decided to run off. That was all Asa could take. Seeing him hurt was all I could take, and I finally crawled into my bed and stayed there for a couple of days. Then, I got a call that Ethan had been picked up. Amazing relief!! Just knowing he was alive and safe was all I needed. Still no Gertie, but Ethan was alive.

This allowed me the freedom to head to New Orleans a week later, for my 30th high school reunion! Oh how I needed that!!! Also, a day or two after I left home, Gertie returned!! Ok. Ethan was locked up, but safe, and Gertie was home. Time to relax and have fun, and I did. I love my Riverdale family! Just a great weekend, and lots of smiles. Perfect!

July
Remember the friend I had welcomed into my home when he needed a place to stay for a couple of months? Well, by July, he had quit the job he had, and was doing nothing but sitting around all day drinking. Nope, not going to have that. He had become increasingly controlling, and the situation became more and more uncomfortable. I'd offered a room, and certainly didn't offer myself up to be controlled in my own house. It all came to a head just after July 4th, and I said it was time for him to go. I was sad with how it had turned out, but hadn't expected him to be there that long, and certainly hadn't expected him to not help out financially when he was working, but he didn't. It was just a sad ending, and I don't know where or what became of him since then. And, when I discovered a few things shortly after, I really wished I had turned him out earlier. Ethan confessed to me that this friend had been having him help him get drugs. Wait, what? He asked my drug addict son to find him coke and meth??? I'm still furious. Not only that, but he was aware of Ethan doing drugs again, and didn't tell me. And, he brought this crap into MY home, which he was living in for free, with MY children???!!! Good riddance!

The bright spots of July were Asa turning 13 (another teenager!!), and my annual West University Elem reunion in Houston. Those were happy events. :)

August
Ok, bad person out of the house, Ethan still locked up but safe, Asa is good, we're back on track. I then received a small grant to go do some research on Jews in the South, and had another opportunity to go back to Mississippi. Most of the research was in Natchez, and I met some wonderful people in the process. Also, got to hang out in Vicksburg and Jackson a bit. It was good to do something productive and fun. Good trip before heading back to work again.

Work started up again, and it wasn't as bad as the previous year. The main problem had moved on. Better atmosphere, and high hopes again.

There was just one little problem. Remember the friend I had asked to leave in July? Well, he hadn't returned, so that was fine, but something else had disappeared with him. My July rent money, $1,400! What??? Another hurdle to jump. A big one for me!

September
Nothing unusual, that I remember at least.

October
Ethan came home after 4 months in the relapse program. This time, he was in a very different frame of mind . . . a great place!! He'd matured, he'd passed his GED test (99% on the writing!), and he was ready to move forward for real this time. October was a great month with him. Asa and I were happy to have him home, and there was peace in our lives. We were together again, and it felt good. It felt like we just might be able to do it this time.

November
Started out with the news that I needed a hysterectomy, and soon! Great! Oh, and because it's considered day surgery, even though they kept me over night, I was informed that it all had to be paid for up front!!!! Whatever, not much I can do about it, figure out a way, and get the surgery done. It was scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving, and Mom came up to help me out for the week. There were many complications involved in the actual surgery, but it was done. The following week, Ethan hit what we learned to recognize as his manic phase. He was good for about 5-6 weeks, then hit a manic phase where he craves reckless behavior. This lasts for about 10 days. Unfortunately, during those 10 days, he did enough damage to get himself locked up again in early December.

December
By now you're probably wondering if there was any good news in 2012. Well, not much, but what was good, was really good. My confirmation, March in NOLA and Mississippi, 30th high school reunion, research in Mississippi, my West Univ. Elem reunion, the good couple of months total that I had with Ethan, and the many, many wonderful days with Asa were all good points. It wasn't all bad, but there was a lot of bad. By December, I was beyond exhausted with all of it. I was pathetic. Depressed. Hopeless. Done. Then, my friends kicked my butt back into gear, at least as much as possible, and I made it through Christmas. I owed it to Asa, even if I didn't feel it. Now, it's New Year's Eve, and I can't wait for this year to be done. I've had enough of it. There are some heavy things weighing on me as I close out this year, but I'm digging as deeply as I can to find some of that hope and faith I used to feel so strongly. One thing I absolutely KNOW about this year . . . .there's no way I would have made it though without the amazing love and support of my family and friends. In the end, I'm blessed. The trials teach me, and I hope I learn the right lessons from them. I'm trying, and I know I can never fail as long as I've got the foundation I've been fortunate to have in my life.

2013 MUST be better! I'm going to look forward to it :)

Ode to Spare Parts

spare/spe(ə)r/

Adjective:	Additional to what is required for ordinary use: "few people had spare cash".
Noun:	An item kept in case another item of the same type is lost, broken, or worn out.

It's an odd term, "spare parts." If they are spare, and therefore not really needed, they're not really parts, just extras hanging around. Or, are they replacement parts? No, then they would be called replacement parts, not spare parts. Whenever I buy something that has to be assembled, it comes with a couple of spare parts. Rarely do I have to use them, but it's always a little comforting knowing they'll be hanging out in one of my junk drawers if I ever need them. (Of course, I'll never actually NEED them unless I decide to throw them away.)

So, I'm thinking about the spare parts we have in the body. Why did we come with spare parts? To define the term here, I mean parts that aren't really necessary, or that a person can easily live without. They are parts which perform certain functions, but without them, the body still works. For instance:

1.  The tonsils: their primary purpose is to be the first line of defense against foreign pathogens. The reality is though, that most people have them removed early on because they get inflamed, cause ear infections, etc. So, out they go. Not needed, in fact, often better off without them. Spare part. No need to keep it in the junk drawer.

2.  The gallbladder: aids mainly in fat digestion and concentrates bile produced by the liver.  The problem with the gallbladder is that it sometimes likes to grow things, gallstones. When gallstones are present, and the gallbladder decides to do it's extra little function job, the stones produce the most horrible, excruciating pains!!! When stones are present, the gallbladder has to go. Not needed. It was a helpful little part, but we really don't need it in the junk drawer once it grows things. One thing to consider though, is that if you have a cholecystectomy, you can no longer be accused of having too much gall.

3.  The ovaries: Ok, so yes, they do serve a primary function. However, once a woman reaches the end of her childbearing years, or the desire to bear children, we can do without  one or both of them if needed. So, if it also decides to grow things, it's got to go too. Still have a spare. Besides, the tubes have already been tied, so really not any need.

4.  Breast reduction: Sure, I've got some to spare. Please, take it.

5.  The uterus: well, it did a wonderful job of growing a couple of big babies, but it has served it's purpose. Let's face it. I'm almost 50, my tubes are tied, I only have one ovary, and the chances of immaculate conception are pretty slim. Besides, even if it did happen, I really don't need any more drama in my life. So, following the pattern of previous spare parts, it decided to grow big too. Time to go!! 

There are other parts we can live without, like the appendix, one kidney maybe, the spleen, the eyes, even the testes (sorry guys), etc. But I think I've been cleaning out my junk drawer pretty well. Like I said earlier, you never really need those spare parts until you throw them out, so I'm thinking I'll hang on to my other ones for a while. Just in case. However, the bottom line here is that at least all I've had to deal with are SPARE parts. I see that as a blessing.