Probation

Sitting in the courtroom this morning waiting for Ethan's case to be heard . . . I had flashbacks to all of the hearings back when he was in juvenile detention. It has always amazed me how unlike the TV courtrooms an actual courtroom can be. On the other side of the bar, it is like a busy beehive. Court officials, 20-30 lawyers coming and going, papers being printed and signed, deals being made, and frightened defendants waiting to learn their fate. It's busy and noisy and chaotic.

The first person up is sentenced to 15 years in prison. All I could hear was something about forgery and theft. The next one up got probation, first offence. Next, 2 years, next 5 years. I was having a hard time reading the judge but he spent time talking with each of them, the DUI case, the drug offence, the assault case, etc. He was thoughtful, but I couldn't get any impression of how he might rule on Ethan.

Two hours later, it was finally Ethan's turn. As he came in, I marveled at how good he looks now that he's not on drugs anymore. He's taller, has gained weight, his coloring is good, and his eyes are no longer blank and sad. He's respectful, standing up straight. He looks more humble than pissed off at the world. The judge asks him about his guilty plea and he confirms. The judge asks him how long he's been using drugs and Ethan answers, "8 years, your honor." The judge looks at Ethan's information and responds, questioning the fact that he's only 21 and been using drugs for 8 years. It's still hard to see him in court, before a judge, and facing the things he's done. The judge says that the plea agreement is for 3 years probation, and he asks, "Son, can you do 3 years probation?" That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

So, 3 years probation. If he violates probation, he will get 2-10 years. He will also have to deal with Denton County on those warrants from 2 years ago. They have 10 days to come get him before he's released from Tarrant County, but if they don't come get him, he is committed to turning himself in and taking care of that for a few months if needed. That should just be a matter of sitting time because they weren't felony charges like this one. This is the biggie.

As I've told people what the verdict was today, the question has repeatedly been, "How do you feel about it?" Well . . . . ambivalent. I'm ambivalent. Every time he gets another chance to do it right, I get hopeful, cautiously hopeful. However, we all know the history of those chances. What I can say about each of those times though is that with each one, he was a little older and a little more mature. This time especially, he's even better though. For the first time in 8 years, he's made it 90 days clean!! He is no longer self-medicated or over medicated. He's on one medication for seizures, and that's it. He's discovered he's not bipolar or any of the other million things every place has diagnosed him with and then put him on multiple high dosed medications. I've always argued that he needed to get off of everything to be properly diagnosed, but that's not the way such places work, even when he was in juvie for those years. Anyway . . . . as his mother, I always want to believe that there's another chance and that it'll work. I can't get myself to wish for prison, even if it sometimes seemed like the best thing. But, I'm also scared of him not being able to do the probation. I told him the other night that the even though it's been through glass or over the phone, the last few months with him have been the best in years. He's been the REAL Ethan, and I'm scared of losing that, but I don't want him to go to prison, but I'm scared, but I'm happy, but I'm scared, but I don't want him to go to prison . . . . . hence, ambivalent. I keep randomly crying and I don't know if it's because of the relief or the fear, or maybe it's just the exhaustion of this 8 year battle we've been fighting, a release at the idea that maybe this time this nightmare will end . . . . or fear.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to think optimistically (even if always a little cautiously) and pray that THIS is the time it all works. The reality is that I'll have that fear for the rest of my life because that's addiction. It will never go away and is a part of us now. But, I'm praying that he continues to grow and that he will learn how to have the life I know he wants and I want for him, as every mother wants for her child. The consequences this time are bigger, and he's aware. So I'll be watching and supporting him, and as always, hoping for the best and loving him.

Thoughts on my 2016. . . . .

So, here we are at the end of another year. It's the time when we look back and examine our lives, at least the last year. I'm always conflicted by this process though. For the last several years I've been so happy to see the year end in hopes that the next would be better, but on the flip-side, I hate the fact that I'm having to put another year behind me. I'd like to have some of those years back, thank you very much. It's weird when you know there are more years behind than ahead.

Anyway, I can't say that I'm sorry to leave 2016 behind me. It started with sadness, ended with sadness, and had a whole lot of sadness in between. It's been a sad year. We all know that there have been quite a few deeply felt celebrity passings this year, but I can honestly say that starting off the year with the loss of David Bowie really hurt. I think for people my age, it's been hard to lose those who have been such a staple in our lives, and it reminds of our own mortality. Wait, so-and-so was only X number of years older than me? What? It's like our youth and illusions about our age are pulled out from under us, the band-aid is quickly and painfully ripped off. After Bowie died, I played nothing but my Bowie collection on my iPod until I went through all of it. It took exactly a month. In the process, I said silent thank yous for all of the memories the music brought me. Of all those celebrity passings, aside from Bowie, Gene Wilder and John Glenn hit me the hardest. Gene Wilder is such a part of my youth, and I NEVER tire of watching Young Frankenstein or Willy Wonka ( or Blazing Saddles, or . . . ) And then John Glenn, well, a life-long hero who was priceless to me in many ways. I'm glad I lived in John Glenn land (aka New Concor, OH) for so many years and that I had the enormous pleasure of meeting him on several occasions. All my dreams of space were tied up in him from such an early age. However, he did teach me that if he can go to space at the age of 77, I still have time to get up there, and I will.

2016 also continued to have its share of sadness in relation to Ethan. We saw some of the darkest times yet. So many young lives cut short by addiction, and I felt each alongside him both by knowing these sweet souls and by watching Ethan hurt. At the same time, always wondering how HE managed to survive. There is a certain survivor's guilt that plays here as I've come to know these parents who have lost their precious children. The last few months with his longest near death overdose, the loss of Kindle, of Alison, and his eventual arrest and time in jail have been harder than I can explain. But here he is, in jail, but alive. He has turned some corners in the last couple of months and I pray constantly that he will be able to stay on new paths. I pray, I love him, and I keep faith.

This was also a year of ugliness. We saw one of the most disgusting election cycles ever, certainly of my lifetime. The whole thing, all of it, was a terrible example of what we're capable of in the ugliest ways. We are so much better than we showed ourselves to be. We also saw ugliness through many examples of violence: Orlando, France, Dallas, Baton Rouge, etc. We can be such horrible creatures sometimes, but then out of such tragedies, we also saw some great love. I wish the great love stayed around longer. We have got to stop being offended by everything though! If we ever want to see brighter days, we have to learn how to listen to differences without taking offense, without belittling, without confrontation, without yelling, without seeing everything as right or wrong, and without the horrible habit of insult which has plagued our society.

2016 was a year of change. I spent the first part of the year more miserable than ever at work. I called or emailed the lawyers at TCTA (teacher's "union") at least once a week. I seriously contemplated leaving teaching altogether. Some were convincing me that I was no longer good at it and didn't have much to offer anymore. I'm sad to say that I let them convince me of it. But then I decided to give it one more effort, and it worked. I found a new job, got away from the toxicity, and spent the last half of the year feeling like maybe I still have some to offer. It's been a good change! Other changes include a new car, Asa getting his driver's license, and Ethan turning 21. Change is a challenge sometimes, but these were good changes and worth the challenge.

I'm trying really hard to bring something positive in here so it isn't just an endless stream of downers, but it's a struggle for me. I will readily admit that I'm pretty deeply depressed these days. The biggest blow to my already fragile heart this year was the loss of my father a week before Thanksgiving. I'm not sad for him because he's fine now. I'm wallowing in my own sadness. It's been too much this year, I think, and with each hit I've retreated a little farther into a corner of isolation. My corner has become very small and very far away. I've kept to myself more, which is unusual for me in some ways. I tire of the pity others sometimes feel for me, even if it really is genuine sympathy. I'm tired of feeling like the only things I have to say are sad, so I don't say much at all. I don't want to get into the dark place in which I'm currently residing, but I won't leave you on that sad note. In the end, I know this period is temporary. I will somehow manage to pull myself out of it, but it's a deeper hole so it might take a little longer. In the meantime, as I hang my new calendar for 2017, I will look at it as a new start, as I always do. Things will change, I'll get glimmers of hope and renewed faith. Maybe I'll get back to New Orleans for a recharging since it's been well over a year now. I'll force myself to do some things differently, to go on some new adventures, even if it's something as exciting as driving to Lincoln, NE last March just because that would cap off my list of visiting all of the 48 contiguous states. I'll think of something. I'll make an effort to get out more, to find some joy again. I'll work on focusing on the positives. I'll try to do all those things, and mostly, I'll have hope that 2017 is going to be a better year for me, for my family and friends, and for this world.