Things I mourn . . .

As we move through life, our dreams, expectations, and hopes are constantly changing. Some are lost completely, some are fulfilled beyond our wildest dreams, and some are adjusted as we go --- sometimes over and over again. The anxiety I've dealt with over the last year regarding my son, Ethan, is heavy on my mind now, and it makes me realize what I have forever lost with him.

It's possible, of course, that he will survive the turmoil of his life, but regardless, it will never be the same. That happy, smiling, bright hearted, child is now scarred. All of those qualities may return some day, but the scars will now always be there. My dreams of his high school days are shattered. I don't care about the grades or anything like that. What's to be mourned here is the fun, joy, silliness, and typicality of being a high school student. Yes, it's hell for a lot of people, but because Ethan was the way he was, I always thought he would just revel in the little parts of it all. I saw him as an active kid who stayed involved, I thought about the girlfriends he would have, the homecomings he would celebrate, his prom, getting his driver's license, picking colleges, and graduating. At this point, I just want Ethan to survive himself. If he manages to get a GED, I'd be thrilled. If he is able to go on with his life in a productive, happy, or even contented manner, I'll be beyond thrilled. Survival, not graduation announcements are the goal here.

I mourn the loss of a marriage, even though I'm grateful to no longer be in it. When a marriage ends, even if it is a good thing to end, you think of all those things you'll never have with that person you hoped to spend your life with. Gone is the growing old together. Gone is the two parent, unified front. Gone is being the stability for your children. Gone are all those future scenes you've created in your head: the ones where the two of you are at the wedding of your child, the ones where you two are at the birth of your grandchild, the "Grandparents", etc. It's not that I won't still have the opportunities to experience these things, it's just that the images are now adjusted. Instead of growing old together, it's possible I may just grow old alone. Instead of being a two parent unified front, it's just me, and that's all there is. Instead of giving your kids the ability to say, "My parents have set a beautiful example of stability in life" they will get to say, "My mom has always been there for me." I know that I'll be there for all the big occasions of my kids lives, but I may very well be there alone. I may also have someone else with me, but if I don't, I won't let it hold me back. Adjustment, figure it out as you go.

I mourn the loss of time with people I miss. I miss my grandparents, especially my grandmother. I don't think I'll ever fully "adjust" to that loss. I miss the time I should have insisted on with my step-father. I shouldn't have allowed myself to be manipulated into not spending time with him and having my kids know him better. We can't get this time back, and the "should-haves" will drive you crazy. Just mourn it.

I even mourn the financial losses. Not that I want to be swimming in money, but I will most likely never be able to retire as I would have liked, nor will I be able to leave "something" behind for my kids, as my ancestors tried to do for me. About 10 years ago, the whole family was on a good financial ride, thanks to Walter my step-father. We all benefited, we all enjoyed it, we all thought it would last. But it didn't. Walter's illness, bad investments, bad stock market, etc. took it all away. Oh well.

I don't mourn all of these things in a mood of doom and gloom. I'm just making note of it. I'm airing it. I'm putting it out there so perhaps I can let it go. I blame myself for lots of things in my life and the lives of my kids, but it does little good. I'm continually trying to stay on the positive path. I'm constantly reciting Walter's favorite saying, "Leigh, it is what it is. Now, what are you going to do with it?"

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pray and hope for the best for Ethan, and be joyous in the small accomplishments of survival he gives me. I'm going to hope and pray that Asa continues to grow in the healthy, relatively happy, wonderful path he's on. I'm going to adjust all the dreams I once had about my marriage, be glad that I'm no longer in the pain and hurt of it, and I'm going to be open to anything and everything that may come my way along those lines. I'm going to remember all the happy memories with the people who are no longer here. The money? Who cares! It'll all work out in the end.

I mourn, but I also can't wait to see how my life will turn out. I have no idea what will come, good or bad. I will continue to adjust, acclimate, assimilate, etc. After all, it is what it is; now, what am I going to do with it?

Gorgeously beautiful, adorable, and ever so loving. Diana was clearly present. There's been so much misery in the world lately with earthquakes, tsunamis, wild fires, tornadoes, etc. I think we needed a little love and joy for a day! Aside from all of that, it's wonderful to see William and Harry grow up into these great young men.

The Royal Wedding . . .

So yes, I'll be tuning in at 4 a.m. in the morning to watch William and Kate get married. I almost feel obligated. I'll always remember watching Charles and Diana back in 1981. It was only about a week or so before my sister and I went to London for the first time. It was so exciting. Diana was just a charmer, and she drew you in with her innocence and naivety. She seemed to embody the whole "princess" image, and we all wanted only happiness for her. Let's face it, she was willing to marry Charles, and he never really struck anyone as the "handsome prince who comes along to sweep you off your feet" kind of guy, right?

Just look at the body language in both of these engagement pictures. In the one of Charles and Diana, Charles is sitting with his arms crossed while she is hugging him. Charles isn't exactly exuding warmth, and he looks quite uncomfortable in such a casual shirt, pose, etc. Diana is the one doing all the loving in that picture. Then look at William and Kate. What a difference! He is holding her in a very protective and loving manner, while she happily melts into his arms, yet also shows her own strength. Their smiles are beaming and mutual. She knows what she's getting into, and they've been together long enough to know each other well. So very different from his beautiful, young mother 30 years ago.

I am a registered Anglophile (if there is such a thing), and anything of an historic nature like these royal weddings, excites me. I'm glad William and Kate are getting married at Westminster Abbey! It's so beautiful, and IS a quentissential part of British history. When we went to the Abbey back in 1981, it wasn't very crowded. You could really wander around, take your time, and enjoy every tiny historic millimeter of it. You could just feel the experiences there over the centuries. It was wonderful! Then, the last time I was there, 1998 I think, it was a completely different experience. I had to wait in line forever to get in. Then, was herded through along the designated path at a designated pace. In addition, every 15 minutes, a chime would ring indicating that we were all supposed to be quiet and still for a moment. It was the oddest experience in any cathedral I've ever had! It didn't even feel like the same place I'd been to on my previous visits. Very little time to soak up all the great dead folk and their tombs. In the end, I couldn't wait to get out of the cattle chute. Of course that was all a result of Diana's funeral there. Tragedy upon tragedy.

So in the early morning hours, let's bring some happiness back into the Abbey with a happy wedding! We watched William as he was brought out of the hospital for the first time, watched him as he toddled around the grounds at Buckingham Palace, watched him welcome his new little brother, watched as he went off to kindergarten, off to Eton, off to St. Andrews, the military, etc. We watched as William and Harry walked so bravely behind Diana's coffin. We've watched him for his entire life. Let's watch him as he and Kate enter their new lives together officially. Can't you feel Diana there already?



Moon

I can't tell if you're mocking or smiling.
I can't tell if I'm ruled by you in some way.
I can't tell if I'm coming or going, if I'm crazy or sane, if I'm right or wrong.
I can't tell if I've done any of it right at all.


One thing I do know, is that you've always been there.
A constant.
Sometimes waxing, sometimes waning, sometimes playing by hiding completely.
The terra form that smile of jest, love, and tranquility.

Let it be the face of a smile tonight!

With all that I can't tell, there are things I know.

Remind me now, smiling face.

I know that I hurt, but I won't always.

I know that I'm scared, but not always.

I know that I have a strength you feed.

I know that I've always loved you, always!

Even when hidden, even when tugging at every fiber of my being, even when I think you're mocking.

I know that I need you, always.
I know that your pull will be with me, always.
I know that you will never leave me.
I know that I will forever love you, be mesmerized by you, and want to hold you close.
Shine and smile.
Lifelong lover.

Not answering the phone . . .

The phone just rang, and I know exactly who it was. It was my son, calling from the juvenile detention center. There's a sentence I never expected to write! Had lots of those, "Gee, never expected to have a day like that!" days and moments over the last year. They haven't been unusual in the good way though, so I'm really tired of them.

Anyway, the phone was ringing. It's my own child, and I can't seem to bring myself to answer it. Perhaps a part of the reason is because it costs $9.99 for a 10 minute call, and I can't afford that every night on my phone bill. But that's not the only reason I didn't answer it. I'm simply mad at him. That's it. I'm angry . . . and hurt. The last year has been unbearable. Four rehab stints, two psychiatrists, extensive psychological testing, endless medications, truancy, failing grades, pot, ecstasy, you name it, police, ambulances, lawyers, tickets, holes in the wall, fear, hurt, anger, and sadness. Now, he's a week into his two week stay at the JDC.

So, why didn't I answer the phone? The real reason is that I didn't want to get mad, and I have every reason to believe he'd help me reach that point. Yesterday when he called, he gave me lots of crap about how if the lawyer and I are on the same page about it, we can just get him out early. Um, don't think so. Then I explained how I still had to get him re-enrolled back at LDHS and squared away to go to AEP next Friday after he's released. His response to that, "I'm not going to school on Friday! Are you serious, the day after I get out of jail? No fucking way Mom! I need a couple of days to to recover from this experience." Whaaaaattttt??? Yea, you usually get a day off from school after you get out of jail, just to relax a little bit. Made me so mad I could barely stand it!! What is he thinking? One of the reasons he's there is his truancy problem!!!

So, it's conversations like that that make me fear I'll never get my real son back again. Then I go from mad to sad. He's largely done this to himself, and I'm angry at him for it. He has fried that beautiful brain I spent all that time marinating. I want my child back!!! At not quite 16, he shouldn't be this way. He should have lots left to enjoy in life. He should be making some stupid mistakes to piss me off, and he should be disobeying a little, but not like this. This is wrong. What happened?

Why didn't I answer the phone? I didn't want to be mad and sad. How do I feel about NOT answering the phone? Mad and sad, and now guilty.

I love  you Ethan! Please come back to us!