When Ethan was born, it was the most amazing thing to look into his eyes, those "old soul" eyes. I was in love and mesmerized. I saw in him none of the trouble I went through having him; all of that didn't matter anymore. I had the perfect little boy, the child I had always dreamed of. He was an only child for the first four years and it was so much fun watching him grow. He was busy, creative, smart, and had an enormous heart. In many ways, it was just the two of us and we were very bonded. My heart melted even more when I saw the love and attention he gave his little brother when he arrived. This little guy just brought me joy.
Fast forward to age 14. The boys and I had been through some things, divorce, financial struggle, moving across the country, etc., but there was so much potential for our futures. New path, new road, new life, . . . . and then it all fell apart. As parents, we like to think we know what's going on in the lives of our children, especially the big things. The truth is, there are many things we never know anything about and that are kept well hidden intentionally. Think about it though, most of us had some serious things going on that our parents didn't have a clue about either. What Ethan had hidden though was HUGE! It was all bigger and crazier than I could have ever dreamed up and I was clueless. I was so clueless that it had been going on for two years and I totally missed it. I chalked things up to adolescent male emotions. I just didn't see. If you have known me through the last 8 years, you know most of the story. I've been open and honest about the ugliness of dealing with and loving a child who is a drug addict. I've done it because what happened to Ethan, my beautiful child, can happen in similar ways to anyone. Addiction is the plague of our time, but it has helped me to think I could help any other parent by being open and honest. You already know that though.
The thing is that sometimes, especially in the last year, some things have just been so ugly that it gets harder to share. Every disappointment and fall is harder to share with everyone who has loved and supported us along the way. Everyone was so happy to see the beautiful picture of Ethan and Asa after Ethan's most recent four months in jail. It was a wonderful few hours with us all together, something I hadn't had in years, and I treasure it. I thought just maybe he was on the right path this time. How many times have I said that in the last 8 years? Too many, but this time . . . . I knew 3 years of probation was going to be a monumental task for him, but . . . .
. . . . I expected more than two weeks. Two damn weeks. The first week was good, but I saw him quickly losing focus with all the distractions of a phone, social media, girls, etc. It went so much faster than I expected, and then he was shooting meth again. That was it. Once he used, there was going to be no stopping until he was forced to, and even though part of him rationally got the fact that he was violating probation and that meant back to jail, the switch had already flipped. Because he used, he had to leave where he was staying and there was nowhere else for him to go. There were meth rages on the phone, through Messenger, and even showing up at my house in the middle of the night in a rage that was pretty damn scary. It just all went bad, really bad. He ended up with someone he met that first time he went to juvenile detention at the age of 14. He did things he knew he didn't want to do but did anyway. He knew he couldn't stop . . . . and then he was stopped. He is now safely back in jail, but there's more than just the probation violation now. He's added charges of burglary of a habitation and (this is one that I have the hardest time with) attempted robbery. Fortunately he didn't have a gun when he went into the convenience store, otherwise, this would be a very different scenario. However, I keep thinking of the fear the poor store clerk must have felt when he passed her his note. He took off when a customer came in and didn't get anything. He said he was actually relieved that it was all over. Instead of a few months for a probation violation, there is now no way around doing years.
Who knows how many at this point. It could be a year before he is done with court in both Denton and Tarrant counties, and then we'll find out how many years. So, my beautiful, loving son is going to prison. I hesitated to put this picture here because it is so hard to see, but I find myself looking at it a lot, just letting it sink in. That is my son.
I was relieved when he was arrested because I was no longer waiting for the phone call to say he was dead. But, his life is forever changed in a new way. On one level, I ironically gain freedom while he is locked up. I know there can maybe be a few years of the level part of this damn roller coaster we've been riding. It's not like he can't get drugs in jail or get into trouble, but it's going to be less likely. We will all settle into the new norm. He will hopefully do his time the right way, and if he does, maybe he'll get another chance. Asa will no longer have to worry about his brother showing up and causing chaos and won't feel like he has to protect me. By the time Ethan is out again, Asa will be graduated and on to the next part of his life. I will accept what has become of the son I still love deeply and dearly, just as much as the first day I looked in his eyes, because I know there is so much more to him still. I will also try to ply my way out of the corner I've been shrinking into in the last couple of years as it's all gotten harder and harder. Life goes on and I'll still have hope that it can one day be different.
