The Pledge of Allegiance

I can organize large events. I can organize small events. I can organize my thoughts. I can organize other people. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at organizing myself. I am a stacker, and I know where my stacks are, and generally what's in them, but I'm far from organized about it. 

Speaking about organizing my thoughts, that's not what I'm here to write about today. As I was digging through some boxes in the garage the other day, frantically looking for something that wasn't where I KNEW it would be, I came across a couple of interesting things I hadn't realized I still had. One was the phone directory from West University Elementary School for 1975-76, my 6th grade year. It was so fun to look through! The most amazing part though, was that all of the faculty and administration were listed, WITH their home addresses and phone numbers. I can't even imagine doing that today!! I won't even call parents from my cell phone because I don't want them to drive me crazy once they have the number on caller ID. 

The other thing I found was a paper I wrote for that horrible undergraduate English grammar class I had to take while in grad school. It was written in 1990, and discussed a rash of recent flag burning episodes around the country. To prove my point, I used some work I had my 6th graders do when I was teaching in Atlanta, Ga. I have saved them all these years, and they apparently had an impact on me. Anyway, since it was kind of fun to find, I thought I'd share the essay with you. You'll be sadly shocked at the evidence my students provided.

Thoughts on Flag Burning (1990)

The 10 o'clock news tonight showed a protest in Seattle over the flag burning issue. It was a violent scene. Police officers were rushing at, hitting, and wrestling with those who attempted to burn the flag. Spectators became violent with the flag burners, and the burners responded with equal violence. The last image was a burning flag on the ground.

Flag burning is not an issue I have felt particularly passionate about, but I did feel sad as I saw that flaming flag on the ground and the violence that surrounded it. My initial thought was that this was just another example of a growing lack of respect among Americans today. Although my opinion there has not changed, I began to think it must be something more than that. I wondered what it was that made someone despise a flag enough to want to destroy it in flames. To me, the American flag is a symbol of remembrance for those who have fought and died in its name and of the special rights found only in this nation. One of the special rights found here is freedom of speech, and to some extent, I suppose, flag burning falls under freedom of speech. 

I wondered, what kind of an example we are setting for our children. Every school day begins, in most American public schools, with the Pledge of Allegiance. The children stand, place a hand wherever it happens to fall on their chest, and mumble a few words. Does this ritual have any meaning to them? Do they know why they are saying these words? Do they even know what words to say? From my experience, the general answer to these questions is no.

One day I watched as my room full of sixth graders made their meager attempt at pledging allegiance to the flag. After it was all over, I asked my students, "Why do we say the Pledge every morning?" They looked back at me with confused faces. Eventually someone said, "Because old people think it's important, so they make us do it." Another student said, "Isn't it part of our grade for social studies?" The other answers consisted of numerous, "I don't knows," or "Well, we just do because we always have." I was amazed at the responses I had gotten.

As I stood there before our future national leaders, my face must have given my frustration away. Realizing that my sixth graders had missed the point of words they had repeated daily for the last six or so years, I wondered if they even knew what the words were. I had only heard them mumble and had never deciphered the sounds. I asked them each to take out a piece of paper and write the Pledge of Allegiance. Again they looked at me confounded. When a boy said, "But Ms. Range, we don't know how to write in a foreign language," I realized the seriousness of the situation. What made it worse was that no one even laughed when he said that.

The papers turned in to me confirmed my suspicions that not only did my students not know the purpose for saying the Pledge of Allegiance, they did not even know what the words were. Below are some of the typical responses:

I plega alenga to the flag of unite states of america and to the repluic

for witches stand one nation under God inavede for lebery and justice for all.

I plege, a ligge to the flag, of the United States of America. And to the 

probabey for witch it stands. One nation under God for library and justice for all.

I plege the leges to the flag of united states of united states of America to the

republic for Richard stand one nation under god invisible and justice for all.

I pleage allege to the flag of the Unite State of American and to repulic from 

which in stand one nature on the god invible for which for all.

I pleag of leage to the flag of the United State of American And to the 

rupucic of watch One Nation under god.

I plag a legue to the flag of the unit state of Amercie and to The repuice

for wice it stand One nuce under God in the vise Liverica and justice for all.

My students were pledging their allegiance to witches and people named Richard. They thought we were an invisible nation with libraries and justice for all. We spent the rest of the morning discussing why we say the Pledge and what the words mean. The next day, I posted the Pledge of Allegiance next to the flag. By the end of the year, each student knew the words and the meaning behind them.

As I watch these protesting flag burners, I wondered if they ever really knew the words to the Pledge of Allegiance and what they meant. Had they merely gone through the motions like my students had been? If the symbol has no meaning, then why not burn it?

If we are going to require students to say the Pledge in school every day, then they should be taught what it is all about. They should be taught not only the words, but what they mean and why we say them. They must understand the symbolism of the flag before they can show any respect for it. If this is not done, I don't see how we can be surprised when we see others setting the American flag ablaze.

Opening the windows . . . and maybe a door

On New Year's Eve 2011, I woke up to a little voice in my head, the first thing I heard, and it said, "It's time!" It was as clear as anything I've ever heard. First thought, and fully understood.


Over the last several years of putting the pieces of myself back together, I'd made significant progress, but was down to the final two missing puzzle pieces. The first piece was to clarify my faith, and the second, I believed, would come via the first. The second was to find a wonderful man to share and partner my life with. I figured that until I fully understood the person I was offering up to the world, I wouldn't find the right partner.


I suppose that until that morning, there just wasn't room for those two things in my life (as you may have observed in some of my previous blogs.) However, one of the main things I've had to work on through the course of Ethan's troubles, is "letting it go." Letting go of the false idea that I had any control over him or his situation. Once I really let go, and allowed myself to accept that he had his own path to walk in this life, and I couldn't walk it with him, and all I could do was love him and support him, that necessary space in my life opened up. It was a sudden thing. It felt like the first day of spring, when the air is still a little crisp, but has a smell of freshness. Then, you suddenly fling the window wide open!!! The curtains flutter, the air blows in with a strong blast, and you stick your head through the openness to feel that crisp, clean air on your face. That was the sensation. It was all in the mind, but I can tell you that every pore of my skin felt it. It actually reminded me of the last time I was in Florence, Italy. It was March, still cool, but the air smelled terrific. My hotel room, with huge window and shutters, opened onto a pedestrian street, but looking to the left, there was a perfect view of Piazza della Signoria and all the beautiful sculptures in the Loggia della Signoria. 

At that moment, as I opened the window and the wind hit my face, I suddenly realized the freedom I had earned! I was finally independent. The failed marriage was in the past, the resulting massive debt was paid off, and I was in Italy doing EXACTLY  what I wanted to do. It was a spectacular feeling. 


The figurative breeze that brushed my cheek on New Year's Eve, was even more powerful. As it blew into the room of my mind, I realized just how much empty space there suddenly was. The air filled it up, and the room seemed to be waiting, excitedly, for what was going to appear in it. I know it sounds a little cheesy, but sometimes there's just a feeling which plays out like the scene from a movie, but in split-second time, all in the mind. This was one of those moments. 


The first occupant for this newly opened room, was the spiritual piece. There have been many times over my life when I've thought about converting to the Catholic Church. I was born and raised as an Episcopalian, so it's not the biggest religious leap out there, but I never went forward with it before. The reliance on faith over the  last year or two had given me much more reason to find the church and community where I really belonged, and in that split-second when the window was opening, and the voice was saying, "It's time!", it became perfectly clear!! The next week, I started classes at the local Catholic Church. It felt just as right as any other major decision I've made in the last several years. That puzzle piece is now underway, and should be official on Easter. I feel such peace and happiness about the decision . . . and fulfilled. There is great comfort in it. 

As I said earlier, I felt the final piece couldn't fall into place unless the first one, the faith part, was in. Well, it's there, and now I'm beyond ready for the last one . . . a good man to share my life with. I have rejected the idea for so long that I was convinced it wasn't going to be a part of my future. But, part of the "It's time!" voice included this piece. Finally, and suddenly, I'm completely open to the idea, and, here's the strange part . . . .  even welcome it! I'm also willing to go as far as work at it, to "get myself out there," (I hate that phrase!), and make myself available to it. My heart feels completely open to it. Who knows, perhaps I won't have to work too hard. Maybe the person I seek has been there all along, maybe for years, and it's just a matter of timing, which God takes such pleasure in keeping us the dark about. I don't know what will manifest, but I now have complete faith that something will. I'm whole again. My pieces are back in place. With the help of all who stored their collective memories of me throughout my life, I've put the puzzle together again, and it's actually a pretty beautiful puzzle. There's happiness, sadness, joy, hurt, anger, peace, love, success, failure, patience, impatience, struggle, and ease. All there. It's a colorful, intricate puzzle. Just one more piece .  . .


In fact, since my heart welcomed this possibility in, it's been interesting . . . in a good way. :) Excitement, happiness, partnership, and, dare I say it,  . . . love, WILL ultimately appear. I don't NEED someone to complete me; I am already complete. Now, to share it. 

The windows are wide open, the breeze is billowing in, and I think I'll even open the door . . . . 

My Next Husband Will . . . .

Someone once told me that if I write my wishes down, they're more likely to manifest. Not sure that I totally believe that idea, but what the heck. In the summer of 2007, I was busy doing a lot of traveling, thinking about who I was, and what I wanted in life. It seemed like the thoughts were coming so rapidly that I couldn't keep track of them. So, I bought a little journal I could keep in my purse, and would be able to jot things down as they came to me, and to record things I very much wanted to remember. As I look back through this little journal, I see that I was sometimes good about recording important things, and there is some great happiness in it. I also see where some things were too difficult to write about, so I started them, but never finished. There is also sadness, like when my step-father died. Big thoughts, little thoughts, there are all kinds there. Interestingly though, I dedicated the first 6-8 pages to one category alone. It was titled, "My Next Husband Will . . . " Throughout the years, as they strike me, I will write something down that I want to remember later. Something that I don't want to forget just because I'm in the throes of passion and romance with a new love. Ok, that might be a bit much, but it's all the little things we think won't matter, after all, it's love, right?

Some of the things on the list are silly little things, and not deal breakers. Many obviously just popped into my mind based on the circumstances of the time I wrote them. Some of them though are big things, and definitely deal breakers. These things fall in no particular order of importance. They just appear as they came to me. Of course I don't expect any man to meet all of them, but I'll have to be sure to stick with the non-negotiables. I've settled enough in my past, so I'm guessing it's good to have a list.

So let it be written, so let it manifest . . .

1. make me smile and laugh
2. dance with me (in private is fine -- nice & slow)
3. give massages without complaint
4. he will have friends, and will be happy to cross friendships between us (my ex didn't really know how to have friends)
5. MUST love to visit New Orleans (it's my hometown, and if you can't enjoy the music, atmosphere, fun, people, and even the filth of it, that's a problem)
6. MUST love my boys
7. listen to me
8. genuinely care about me
9. emotionally support me
10. enjoy my company
11. TALK with me/discussions
12. be HONEST
13. be strong minded, but not at the expense of others
14. like to read
15. love all kinds of music
16. enjoy both going out, and staying in with me
17. respect me
18. respect some "alone time"
19. do chores around the house without saying he's "helping" me --- that implies that it's all my job, and he's just helping out
20. enjoy yard work enough to get it done, or hire someone to do it
21. love to travel!
22. be willing to tolerate my mini-history lessons
23. hold my hand
24.  put his arm around me
25. affectionately acknowledge me in public (just subtly)
26. enjoy drinking, not to an extreme, just enjoy a beer or a glass of wine, or several
27. be a little spontaneous
28. enjoy my Irish music
29. be willing to let me shop (which I don't do much of anyway) for things that "speak to me"--- especially jewelry, art, music, and books --- things you can never have too much of
30. Not be grossed out by my naked body! Love it anyway.
31. be a patient traveler
32. have the same or similar political perspective
33. enjoy high school football games of my students
34. enjoy football, but not be stupid about it
35. be able to fix things around the house, or at least have the sense to know when to call someone to do it
36. know when to just hold me and let me cry, and support me
37. be patient
38. enjoy life, and have a positive attitude
39. be down to earth and somewhat practical
40. have common sense
41. not be absent physically or emotionally
42. be a man of faith
43. love making love with me

Pretty good start, huh? Lol. Well, it may be a lot to ask for, but why not ask? 

Another New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve. It's been a bittersweet day for me for a number of years now. I try to look at each new year as an opportunity for growth, new possibilities, and new potential happiness. I really do. I am basically a positive person, and I continually think, "It could be worse. I can handle this." But there are just some things that still make it hard to get through this particular celebration.

In 2003, the world as I knew it fell apart. My husband told me he had been unhappy for years, and no longer loved me, if he ever had. We agreed that he needed to move out, and set Jan. 4, 2004, as the deadline for his departure. In typical fashion, it was ME out looking for an apartment for him on December 15th, but I found it, and told him he simply had to go on the agreed upon day. After living through that horrible year, I have to admit that on New Year's Day, although very sad about the demise of my marriage, I also felt hope that things would get better from there. The worst was over, right?

At the end of 2004, I was 40 years old. On my birthday that year, I decided that since the first forty years had been devoted to my parents, my husband, and my children, the last forty years were going to be (at least partially) devoted to me --- my desires, my relationships, my dreams, etc. As I say, partially. Of course I've still got kids to raise, so there's only room for so much me.

2005, 2006, and 2007 rolled along with lots and lots of stress from work, lots of stress at home, and lots of stress from the ex. The best thing about 2007 was going home to New Orleans for my 25th high school reunion. It was at this point that I finally realized just how out of touch I was with myself. I would listen to people talking about me, and I didn't recognize the person they described. It was fascinating and disturbing at the same time. At one point, I was sitting at the table with several of the guys, as they were saying how they wanted to ask me out back in high school, but never asked because they though I'd say no. I was dumbfounded, and said, "You know, it's you guys who totally fucked up my life then!" Of course I said this with a chuckle. I went on to say, "If just one of you had actually asked me out back then, I would have have had a very different opinion of myself. I never knew I was wanted." Ah the what ifs of life. Anyway, as I finished out that weekend, I returned home even more determined to find the real me again, the one that others saw. I was still in there, just needed to strip some layers away.

As I welcomed in 2008, I knew things were going to change. I felt positive and hopeful. I paid off the massive debt my ex-husband had left me with from the divorce, and I took a trip (cash only!) to Italy for a week all by myself. Traveling by myself has always been a learning experience. I was more in touch with myself than I had been in years. In the summer, the boys and I decided that we wanted to move back to Texas. Big shift! We would leave the following summer. 2008 was a good year!

2009 was going to be a year of change. I knew that going into it, but had now idea just how much it actually would change. In the first couple of months of that year, I reconnected with the myriad wonderful people from my fraternity (yes, fraternity. I was a little sister. No sorority for me!) years. What a blessing!! The pieces were falling back into place. It was a year of big risks. Sold the house, quit the job, moved, start all over again, and get the boys settled in new schools, new city, etc. But it all worked, and at the end of 2009, I was convinced that it was all going to continue down that path of good.

Then came 2010 and 2011. These were just horrible years!! I wasn't sure I'd survive them, and I really wasn't sure my oldest son would survive them. They have been years of fear, pain, and uncertainty as we have dealt with my son's drug addiction. It has been a confusing and heartbreaking whirlwind.

So here comes 2012 . . . I'm still dealing with my son's drug addiction, but we seem to be making progress, and he's on a better road than he has been in a long time. Who knows how it will go, but I'm keeping the faith and hoping for the best. The other good news on that subject is that I've learned to accept that it is his path, and only he is in control of it. Letting that go, and relieving that feeling that I have to fix it, is good. I'll always be there for him, and I love him beyond words, but I accept that I can't fix it. My younger son is happy, healthy, and doing great. So my kids are as good as they can be at this moment. My personal life went back on hold over the last couple of years, and while I would have given anything to have someone to hold me at night, hug me and tell me it would be ok, kiss me and remind me that I am loved and doing a good job with all of it, and just remind me of the happiness, I didn't have the time or the energy , or the inclination to seek this person out. Couldn't imagine bringing someone new into the chaos, or who would want to enter into it. I gave up on those ideas, and reverted back to the feeling that I just wasn't meant to be loved that way, because Lord knows if I couldn't have it then, when my world was falling apart and I was feeling the worst pain in the world, the pain of a mother trying to keep her child alive, then I wasn't meant to have it. I was still feeling this way just about a month ago. But then, I realized a new year is ahead, and something clicked in my head. The very fact that I've weathered it, and we're all as good as we can be at the moment, is my invitation to reclaim that life I thought I was heading toward before. I feel like, suddenly, I need to go forward in that search for what I want. A happy mother can only help my boys, and although it's late in the game for them to have the father figure they always needed, it's not too late for them to still learn how to love, from my example. I suddenly believe that this year will bring me some love and romance. In fact, I haven't ever felt it this strongly before. So I know it's out there, and I need to take some initiative to find it. I'm ready. I remind myself that I'm absolutely worth it, I'm a hell of a catch, I'm strong and independent (which often frightens men), but the RIGHT man will love that. I have enormous amounts of love to offer, and when the man who recognizes it, isn't afraid of it, and cherishes it, he'll be luckier than he could imagine. And in the end, I'll be a very lucky woman. Bring it 2012!! It's my turn.

Political Manifesto of a Moderate with Conservative Leanings (and a few Liberal ones too)

I have never really been inclined to engage in a great deal of political discussion. I basically know what I believe, vote for the individual instead of the party, have defined myself as a Moderate, and am a registered Independent.  I have never been fully Conservative or fully Liberal. Typically more on the Conservative side than the Liberal. The reason I don't engage in a lot of political debate is not because I don't have firm convictions about my beliefs, but because my relationships with my friends have a basis which has nothing to do with politics. I have friends and loved ones who are extreme Liberals, friends and loved ones who are extreme Conservatives, and most who fall in the broad range between the two extremes. If you are my friend, I welcome you and love you whether I agree with your political position or not. In addition, I simply don't care to put such divisions between myself and others who are wonderful individuals, but who don't share my political views. We don't have to agree, I'm not the best debater, usually don't have enough facts to fully support my views, and don't feel the need to convert others. I'm the same way with the other big divisive issue . . . religion. In that, I try to live my Christian beliefs and believe in influence by example.

This whole topic arises because I have been told that I am unwilling to share my political views out of fear that I would alienate my more Liberal friends. In that sense, I could just as easily alienate my more Conservative friends. However, I believe that those who disagree with me will love me anyway, no matter how misguided they may think I am. I could be wrong, so if my "Friends" number drops on Facebook, I suppose I'll know. I don't think I'm wrong though.

So what is it that I believe? I'm not very good at articulating such things, but I'm willing to give it a try.

• National Defense/Security: I believe in complete military support! Our troops are of the utmost importance, they risk their lives for us on a daily basis, and they must be completely supported and praised. I believe that our military must remain strong, and this requires a firm military defense budget. There is never justification for sending our troops into harm's way without the proper training and equipment. I would like to see the waste in the defense budget cut but would not endorse military spending cuts in general. I believe that we need to do a more adequate job of securing our borders, especially in Mexico, but I'm not completely sure what the answer there is. I believe that diplomacy should generally be the first line of defense in an international situation, but that we should always be ready and willing to retaliate when our national interests are threatened. I do not believe that we need to police and democratize the world. However, I do believe it is necessary to have military bases throughout the world so we are better able to address issues if needed. I believe that international support is almost always optimal. I believe our international reputation and image has been badly damaged, and needs repair. I believe terrorism is an ongoing threat and we must seriously improve our "intelligence" community.
• Health Care: I believe Obamacare is a disaster!!! I do not believe in government-run health care. I believe in health care reform, primarily by reducing the waste of malpractice law suits, that dramatically raises the overall cost of health care. I believe that Medicare and Medicaid fraud must be clamped down on. I believe there are better solutions to our health care crisis than universal health care. I'm not completely sure what the best option is, but I am sure that Obama's plan is only going to make things worse. I can attest to this from my own experience. The government bureaucracy will only multiply the problems astronomically. 
• Energy: I believe that we must become energy independent! We must continue to explore energy forms such as nuclear power, clean coal, natural gas, solar, wind, geothermal, hydroelectric, and yes, drilling. While we must do this in an ecologically sound way, we also need to be reasonable in regulations. Too many unnecessary regulations limit development, and are keeping the country from being able to create new jobs and develop new industry. Cap and trade legislation will keep us from developing in these areas.
• Education: Do away with "No Child Left Behind"!!!!!!! What a freaking disaster! Eliminate the Department of Education! Funnel all of those monies to the states, and allow the states to control their education programs. There should be some national standards, certainly, but the federal government bureaucracy should not be running the show. This is one political topic that I actually am, and have been, vocal about, so I won't go on too much here. I can say that one of our biggest problems is the notion that every kid should go to college. We MUST begin to encourage students to learn technical and mechanical trades or our jobs will continue to go overseas. 
• Economy: What a mess! I am NOT better off now than I was three years ago. In fact, I'm much worse off. Legislation has limited our free-market economy and there is far from adequate growth. Consumer confidence is gone. The economy was doing much better when it was allowing capitalism to function. We must have tax incentives to promote small business and stimulate job growth, but we don't need to go back to the New Deal of FDR and put job creation in the hands of the government. The government can't afford it and can't run such programs efficiently   .
• Judicially: The role of the judge is to interpret the law, not make law. (That one is pretty simple.)
• Pro-Life or Pro-Choice: Both. Yes, I know, how can I be both? I DO NOT believe that women should be able to use abortion as a birth control method. However, I do believe that a woman should have the right to have the choice. I would never encourage it. I am for life, not in the radical Pro-Life sense, but I would always encourage life first. 

Ok, I think that's all I'm going to get into for now. I've covered some of the biggies. I realize that many on both sides will think I am horribly misguided, and that's OK. Please don't feel the need to enlighten me. I approach politics at my own pace and in my own way. I watch both Fox News AND CNN, but I avoid MSNBC. I have watched every Republican debate in an effort to understand the candidates better, one of whom, I believe, will be our next president. I drank the Kool-aid in 2008 and supported Obama. I simply couldn't have supported McCain, but may have voted Republican if it had been a different candidate. I had great hope for change with Obama. I didn't agree with everything he stood for but hoped my support would be rewarded with positive change. My world at that time, as for many others, was falling apart financially, etc., and I thought there had to be something different. Well, different is what we got, but not for the better. I am not speaking of Obama on a personal level here when I say I am unbelievably disappointed in what we got. The change has not been good, we are not better off, etc. I will be voting Republican in 2012. 

So there you have it. My very, very generally spelled-out views. I am not afraid to express them, and as I said before, I don't believe others will judge our friendship on my views. If they do, then we probably don't need each other. More than anything, I pray for a return to confidence for our nation, better education for our children, stronger financial status, a more positive international  presence and image, and peace. We have an amazing nation which can never be replicated. It is the best nation in the world, but we need to preserve it. 

A bra by any other name . . .

If you've never worn one, you're lucky! I have never found a woman who considered wearing one to be comfortable. Personally, I would rather wear a corset (we used to call those a Merry Widow. I always thought that was strange.). What is this medieval torture contraption? A bra!!

I have shared many a Facebook status in which I complained about my bra. The bras I currently have were at one time almost comfortable, but that was several years ago. In the last couple of years they have lost their shape. I suppose there are some women who have little trouble shopping for one, but I was never one of those people. To begin with, I have always had a very broad back. It would be great if I was an Olympic swimmer in the butterfly relay, but since I'm not, it hasn't been very useful. On top of that, no pun intended, I've always had boobs, sometimes more boob than others, and sometimes a lot more boob on one side than the other. And they're boobs that go all the way up to the collar bone. The bottom line is that my upper back and my boobs have always taken up too much of my body. With all that in mind, you can imagine the difficulty in finding a bra, especially one that is comfortable.

I think I got my first bra in 5th grade. Like many girls that age, I was kind of proud to actually have one. Of course the boys had fun popping the strap, but you know how they are. I never really figured out how that was fun for them. Perhaps it was the first step in learning how to unhook one with one hand in later years. Even in my teenage years, it wasn't that bad having boobs. The trouble started in my early 20s. That's when my back started to ache, and the bra straps started leaving indentations in my shoulders.

By the time I was 25, it was just all out of control. The boobs were just too big, and difficult to contain. I worked part-time with a chiropractor friend of mine when I lived in Atlanta, Ga., and he explained to me that some breasts are light weight, but some are dense. Of course mine are dense. In an effort to demonstrate the weight I was carrying in my breasts alone, we weighed them. . . . 22 pounds!!! Imagine having two 10 pound bags of cat litter strapped to the front of your chest. That's what it's like! Ugh! My back hurts just thinking about it!

Then, by the time I got married, and then got pregnant, it got just plain stupid!! When my ex-husband was working on his doctorate and I was teaching school, I finally had good enough health insurance to take care of the boob problem. Because of the back trouble, insurance would fully cover a breast reduction! Hallelujah!! Unfortunately, two days before I got that word, I found out that I was pregnant, so it would have to wait. During my pregnancy, I was one giant breast on one side, and a twice as giant breast on the other side. Misery!! No such thing as a bra to fit those crazy gelatinous things. Two months after giving birth, I was able to have the breast reduction. I won't go into detail about that little surgery, but I can say I have NEVER regretted it. I only wish they would have removed more. To be honest, the most disturbing part about it was the fact that people kept saying to me, "You mean you're husband is going to LET you do that?" Hello??? They're MY boobs, not his. Anyway, I thought all my boob problems would now be over.  . . . I was wrong.

One advantage of the reduction was that everything was a little perkier, except for the side, bra fat part. This began the next stage of bra discomfort. With my second pregnancy, the boobs grew back some. Between the larger boobs, the bra fat, and the broad back, it's been a road of discomfort. Since then, it's the same routine, bend over, adjust the boobs into the cups. Once you do that, of course, you have to adjust the shoulder straps and then pull the sides and back down. As long as you stay perfectly still, you'll be fine. However, if you reach for something, if you turn in any direction, bend over, or even cough, it's all over. If you're in public, you can't adjust the girls to put them back in the cups, then they start sliding out of the bottom. If you move the shoulder straps, you mess up the back. If you pull the back, it messes the cups up again. As a teacher, who stands in front of teenage boys all day long, there's only so much adjustment you can stealthily accomplish.

The bottom line is that bras simply aren't comfortable! We are constantly adjusting them, pulling at them, tucking everything into them, only to have it all fall out within minutes. Can't we just stop the insanity? Isn't there someone out there who can actually make one that works??? We have sent men to the moon, but we can't have a bra that doesn't drive us to drink?? There must be an answer. Sports bras aren't it. They cut off circulation, smash the boobs into one giant roll across the front of the chest, and aren't very sexy. If you have small enough of breasts, you might be able to get away with wearing an undershirt, but I'm too warm natured for that. Couldn't stand 2 layers of clothes. So then comes the Genie Bra, which is what inspired me to write this piece. I've never bought one, I have no faith in the bra makers, but I know a couple of people who have. The general report is that the Genie Bra does nothing magical and doesn't grant any wishes. By their reports, it rolls up, causes back pain, cuts off circulation, etc. I give up. Perhaps one day I will have enough money to have one custom made, until then, what are they good for . . . .

• The other day, one of my fellow teachers, a male, came around passing out mints. The mints were held in the cups of a lovely magenta bra. Now, on the surface, some might see that as inappropriate, bordering on sexual harassment. However, if you knew the guy, it wouldn't bother you a bit.
• Another good use for the bra is as a double sling shot. Potential military use here!
• They could be used as a hammock for small animals.
• Knee or elbow pads --- the lacy ones would look lovely
• Ear muffs
• Face mask
• Storage --- I actually use this method all the time! It's great for holding my cell phone if I don't have pockets. Also when doing little tasks, and you just need another place to hold something.
• Filter water from a stream
• One of my favorite jokes: A Catholic bra holds up the masses...
  A Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen...
  A Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills...
  
• I have even read that they can be used for growing tomatoes

In the end though, a bra by any other name, is still a modern torture device. 

Defining a woman . . .

I think we all sometimes wonder how others see us, both inwardly and out. For instance, if you were telling another person about me, what would you say? Would you begin with my physical characteristics? If so, what would you point out? If you began with my personality characteristics, what would stand out in your head? (These are rhetorical questions, mind you, I'm not sure I'd really want to know the answers.)

So, as a single, middle-aged woman, who occasionally contemplates the dating world, I wonder how I would be defined to someone else. How would I even define myself?

Let's touch (and I mean ever so lightly!) on the hard part first . . . I've never been one of those women who everyone turns to see when she walks into the room, or who is secretly despised by other women for my physical beauty. Nope. Not me. But that's perfectly fine. I don't really like to draw attention to myself, and certainly don't want to be despised by anyone. I'm too much of a people pleaser for that! I guess I would say, I'm kind of short, brown hair (sadly thinning), brown eyes,  --- here's the hard part --- not exactly in athletic shape (ok, I'm overweight, but the other sounded a little better), I don't wear a lot of make-up, basically, just kind of average looking. However, I have been told several times in my life that I can be elegant, and even sexy sometimes.

This is actually kind of hard to do . . . perhaps a different strategy. Let's think about what I'm NOT.

I will never appear on any episode of The Real Housewives of anything! I have no fake or added body features. I admit to a breast augmentation, but it was reduction, not an addition, so nothing fake. I do have a chest, but don't think any amount of tight clothing would make it look like those ladies. I do not like to wear shoes with any kind of heels, so that would knock me off the show. I'm not interested in breaking my ankle or killing my feet for vanity. Some women actually find heels comfortable, and that's great, I'm just not one of them. I have tried hair extensions once, but that was because of the thinning hair issue, not because I was going for the long, perfectly coiffed hair look. I couldn't stand it though, just wanted to pick at the glue the whole time. As mentioned earlier, I don't wear a lot of make-up, so that would be another strike against me. As for the tight clothes . . .  I HATE wearing tight fitting clothes. I loved the leggings and big shirts of the 1980s!! That was perfect for me!! The big shirt could hide my belly, while the leggings would show my much more attractive and smaller legs. On top of that, it was all stretchy, and roomy, and COMFORTABLE! To be honest, I can't even tell you the last time I actually tucked anything in, and I'm not ashamed of that. Another "Housewives" quality I lack is the big, gaudy, ridiculously show-off jewelry they wear. I was regularly wearing silver before silver was cool. Even in the days when we all wore gold, I didn't mind a diamond or two, but I never wanted anything BIG! I never wanted a giant rock for my engagement ring. If I were to ever get married again, I don't think I'd even want a diamond at all. The ring isn't the part I want, it's the partnership. THAT is priceless. So, no fake parts, no heels, no perfect hair, no perfect make-up, no tight clothing, no big rocks dripping from me. Oh, and I wouldn't televise my life. So, I'm not a "Real Housewives" sort of woman.

How about more typical women? After all, those women aren't very typical.

I'm thinking of the various women I saw while dining out with my 12 year old son tonight at a popular local restaurant.

1) Women with bling: I have many friends who look great with bling all over them! Bling on the purse, bling on the shirt, bling jewelry, bling in the hair, even bling on the butt of their jeans. Well, I'm not one of them either. I've tried, but it just doesn't work on me. Maybe it's that whole not wanting to draw attention to myself thing.

2) Arm Candy: We've all seen those women who always look perfect, and their husbands like to show them off. Ok, some women are just naturally that way (damn them!), but some women accept that it's the expected practice. This is not an insult, mind you. My own grandmother was an absolutely beautiful woman! She was always dressed perfectly. Everything about her outfits went together perfectly from top to bottom. She never left the house without her "face on" and her  hair fixed. I can't say she was really arm candy, but Grandaddy was sure proud to be seen with her and have other men notice how beautiful she was. (Wait, don't we all kind of want that? Anyway, you get the point.) I'll never forget a defining conversation with Grandmother. We had just gotten into London on the night before flying back home, at the end of a few very busy weeks having attended my sister's wedding in northern England and then traveling around for the next couple of weeks. We were tired, on each other's nerves, both hungry, and needed to just go have a bite and go to bed for the night. As I rather impatiently waited for her to "put on her face," I said, "Why can't you just go like that? Who cares whether you have all of your make up on or not?" She looked at me rather incredulously and said, "People who love me care how I look. Your Grandaddy would be appalled if he knew I went out in public like that." I guess my point here is that I'm a woman who likes to look nice, but I don't want it to be a condition of any relationship.

3) The whole country/Nascar/redneck thing isn't me either. Now, I don't mean to offend anyone by that label;  I'm totally generalizing here. I only like a small selection of country music, not a big fan of Southern Rock, would rather have wine than beer, and have no interest in watching cars drive around in circles. Just not me.

4) The nagging loud-mouth or the no conversation woman: I saw several of these tonight. First of all, I'm not very loud. Yes, I've had my nagging moments, but I really don't think I'd be defined by that. I felt so sorry for some of the men who were on the receiving end of the nagging, that I almost wanted to go hug them and invite them to join me and Asa at our table. Then there were the women who just sat, staring off at nothing while engaging in absolutely NO conversation with their dining partner.

5) The flirt: Admit it, we all flirt, but the kind I'm not is the one who can sit at the bar and hang on every man within a mile radius. You know, the ever so charming, slightly silly and air headed type. I like to flirt too, but not quite so blatantly. Sometimes, just a little dab will do ya.

Let's face it, there are so many different kinds of women out there. I only mentioned a few here, and most women wouldn't fit into any ONE category. Is it possible to really define a woman then, to really give an accurate description of one? I don't think so; we are multi-layered beings. I like to look nice, but I also like to not have to. I like to be outdoors and do outdoor things (like my archery), but I don't want to live in the country. I have moments of sophistication and class, but I have just as many moments where I don't. I love to travel, but I also love to be in the comfort of my own home. I'm not stunningly beautiful, but I'm not unattractive. I don't have the perfect body, but my body can do many things incredibly, perfectly well. I'm educated, but sometimes you wouldn't know it. I'm strong, but not overbearing (I don't think.) I'm tough, but very soft. I'm gentle, understanding, loving, and kind. I love to do for others, usually at the expense of myself. I deeply value the people I love, and the relationships I've made through my life. I love music, but have zilch musical talent. I was raised Episcopalian, but have Catholic leanings. I love art, but have no artistic talent. I can handle a multitude of stresses without completely falling apart, but when I fall apart, I do it well. I could go on, but the point is.  . . how does any of that fit into a type of woman? What type of woman would you describe me as if you were asked? (again, rhetorical) So, if you ever get a notion to tell some wonderful single man about this friend of yours, how would you define a woman?