New Year's Eve. It's been a bittersweet day for me for a number of years now. I try to look at each new year as an opportunity for growth, new possibilities, and new potential happiness. I really do. I am basically a positive person, and I continually think, "It could be worse. I can handle this." But there are just some things that still make it hard to get through this particular celebration.
In 2003, the world as I knew it fell apart. My husband told me he had been unhappy for years, and no longer loved me, if he ever had. We agreed that he needed to move out, and set Jan. 4, 2004, as the deadline for his departure. In typical fashion, it was ME out looking for an apartment for him on December 15th, but I found it, and told him he simply had to go on the agreed upon day. After living through that horrible year, I have to admit that on New Year's Day, although very sad about the demise of my marriage, I also felt hope that things would get better from there. The worst was over, right?
At the end of 2004, I was 40 years old. On my birthday that year, I decided that since the first forty years had been devoted to my parents, my husband, and my children, the last forty years were going to be (at least partially) devoted to me --- my desires, my relationships, my dreams, etc. As I say, partially. Of course I've still got kids to raise, so there's only room for so much me.
2005, 2006, and 2007 rolled along with lots and lots of stress from work, lots of stress at home, and lots of stress from the ex. The best thing about 2007 was going home to New Orleans for my 25th high school reunion. It was at this point that I finally realized just how out of touch I was with myself. I would listen to people talking about me, and I didn't recognize the person they described. It was fascinating and disturbing at the same time. At one point, I was sitting at the table with several of the guys, as they were saying how they wanted to ask me out back in high school, but never asked because they though I'd say no. I was dumbfounded, and said, "You know, it's you guys who totally fucked up my life then!" Of course I said this with a chuckle. I went on to say, "If just one of you had actually asked me out back then, I would have have had a very different opinion of myself. I never knew I was wanted." Ah the what ifs of life. Anyway, as I finished out that weekend, I returned home even more determined to find the real me again, the one that others saw. I was still in there, just needed to strip some layers away.
As I welcomed in 2008, I knew things were going to change. I felt positive and hopeful. I paid off the massive debt my ex-husband had left me with from the divorce, and I took a trip (cash only!) to Italy for a week all by myself. Traveling by myself has always been a learning experience. I was more in touch with myself than I had been in years. In the summer, the boys and I decided that we wanted to move back to Texas. Big shift! We would leave the following summer. 2008 was a good year!
2009 was going to be a year of change. I knew that going into it, but had now idea just how much it actually would change. In the first couple of months of that year, I reconnected with the myriad wonderful people from my fraternity (yes, fraternity. I was a little sister. No sorority for me!) years. What a blessing!! The pieces were falling back into place. It was a year of big risks. Sold the house, quit the job, moved, start all over again, and get the boys settled in new schools, new city, etc. But it all worked, and at the end of 2009, I was convinced that it was all going to continue down that path of good.
Then came 2010 and 2011. These were just horrible years!! I wasn't sure I'd survive them, and I really wasn't sure my oldest son would survive them. They have been years of fear, pain, and uncertainty as we have dealt with my son's drug addiction. It has been a confusing and heartbreaking whirlwind.
So here comes 2012 . . . I'm still dealing with my son's drug addiction, but we seem to be making progress, and he's on a better road than he has been in a long time. Who knows how it will go, but I'm keeping the faith and hoping for the best. The other good news on that subject is that I've learned to accept that it is his path, and only he is in control of it. Letting that go, and relieving that feeling that I have to fix it, is good. I'll always be there for him, and I love him beyond words, but I accept that I can't fix it. My younger son is happy, healthy, and doing great. So my kids are as good as they can be at this moment. My personal life went back on hold over the last couple of years, and while I would have given anything to have someone to hold me at night, hug me and tell me it would be ok, kiss me and remind me that I am loved and doing a good job with all of it, and just remind me of the happiness, I didn't have the time or the energy , or the inclination to seek this person out. Couldn't imagine bringing someone new into the chaos, or who would want to enter into it. I gave up on those ideas, and reverted back to the feeling that I just wasn't meant to be loved that way, because Lord knows if I couldn't have it then, when my world was falling apart and I was feeling the worst pain in the world, the pain of a mother trying to keep her child alive, then I wasn't meant to have it. I was still feeling this way just about a month ago. But then, I realized a new year is ahead, and something clicked in my head. The very fact that I've weathered it, and we're all as good as we can be at the moment, is my invitation to reclaim that life I thought I was heading toward before. I feel like, suddenly, I need to go forward in that search for what I want. A happy mother can only help my boys, and although it's late in the game for them to have the father figure they always needed, it's not too late for them to still learn how to love, from my example. I suddenly believe that this year will bring me some love and romance. In fact, I haven't ever felt it this strongly before. So I know it's out there, and I need to take some initiative to find it. I'm ready. I remind myself that I'm absolutely worth it, I'm a hell of a catch, I'm strong and independent (which often frightens men), but the RIGHT man will love that. I have enormous amounts of love to offer, and when the man who recognizes it, isn't afraid of it, and cherishes it, he'll be luckier than he could imagine. And in the end, I'll be a very lucky woman. Bring it 2012!! It's my turn.
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