I have shared many a Facebook status in which I complained about my bra. The bras I currently have were at one time almost comfortable, but that was several years ago. In the last couple of years they have lost their shape. I suppose there are some women who have little trouble shopping for one, but I was never one of those people. To begin with, I have always had a very broad back. It would be great if I was an Olympic swimmer in the butterfly relay, but since I'm not, it hasn't been very useful. On top of that, no pun intended, I've always had boobs, sometimes more boob than others, and sometimes a lot more boob on one side than the other. And they're boobs that go all the way up to the collar bone. The bottom line is that my upper back and my boobs have always taken up too much of my body. With all that in mind, you can imagine the difficulty in finding a bra, especially one that is comfortable.
I think I got my first bra in 5th grade. Like many girls that age, I was kind of proud to actually have one. Of course the boys had fun popping the strap, but you know how they are. I never really figured out how that was fun for them. Perhaps it was the first step in learning how to unhook one with one hand in later years. Even in my teenage years, it wasn't that bad having boobs. The trouble started in my early 20s. That's when my back started to ache, and the bra straps started leaving indentations in my shoulders.
By the time I was 25, it was just all out of control. The boobs were just too big, and difficult to contain. I worked part-time with a chiropractor friend of mine when I lived in Atlanta, Ga., and he explained to me that some breasts are light weight, but some are dense. Of course mine are dense. In an effort to demonstrate the weight I was carrying in my breasts alone, we weighed them. . . . 22 pounds!!! Imagine having two 10 pound bags of cat litter strapped to the front of your chest. That's what it's like! Ugh! My back hurts just thinking about it!
Then, by the time I got married, and then got pregnant, it got just plain stupid!! When my ex-husband was working on his doctorate and I was teaching school, I finally had good enough health insurance to take care of the boob problem. Because of the back trouble, insurance would fully cover a breast reduction! Hallelujah!! Unfortunately, two days before I got that word, I found out that I was pregnant, so it would have to wait. During my pregnancy, I was one giant breast on one side, and a twice as giant breast on the other side. Misery!! No such thing as a bra to fit those crazy gelatinous things. Two months after giving birth, I was able to have the breast reduction. I won't go into detail about that little surgery, but I can say I have NEVER regretted it. I only wish they would have removed more. To be honest, the most disturbing part about it was the fact that people kept saying to me, "You mean you're husband is going to LET you do that?" Hello??? They're MY boobs, not his. Anyway, I thought all my boob problems would now be over. . . . I was wrong.
One advantage of the reduction was that everything was a little perkier, except for the side, bra fat part. This began the next stage of bra discomfort. With my second pregnancy, the boobs grew back some. Between the larger boobs, the bra fat, and the broad back, it's been a road of discomfort. Since then, it's the same routine, bend over, adjust the boobs into the cups. Once you do that, of course, you have to adjust the shoulder straps and then pull the sides and back down. As long as you stay perfectly still, you'll be fine. However, if you reach for something, if you turn in any direction, bend over, or even cough, it's all over. If you're in public, you can't adjust the girls to put them back in the cups, then they start sliding out of the bottom. If you move the shoulder straps, you mess up the back. If you pull the back, it messes the cups up again. As a teacher, who stands in front of teenage boys all day long, there's only so much adjustment you can stealthily accomplish.
The bottom line is that bras simply aren't comfortable! We are constantly adjusting them, pulling at them, tucking everything into them, only to have it all fall out within minutes. Can't we just stop the insanity? Isn't there someone out there who can actually make one that works??? We have sent men to the moon, but we can't have a bra that doesn't drive us to drink?? There must be an answer. Sports bras aren't it. They cut off circulation, smash the boobs into one giant roll across the front of the chest, and aren't very sexy. If you have small enough of breasts, you might be able to get away with wearing an undershirt, but I'm too warm natured for that. Couldn't stand 2 layers of clothes. So then comes the Genie Bra, which is what inspired me to write this piece. I've never bought one, I have no faith in the bra makers, but I know a couple of people who have. The general report is that the Genie Bra does nothing magical and doesn't grant any wishes. By their reports, it rolls up, causes back pain, cuts off circulation, etc. I give up. Perhaps one day I will have enough money to have one custom made, until then, what are they good for . . . .
- The other day, one of my fellow teachers, a male, came around passing out mints. The mints were held in the cups of a lovely magenta bra. Now, on the surface, some might see that as inappropriate, bordering on sexual harassment. However, if you knew the guy, it wouldn't bother you a bit.
- Another good use for the bra is as a double sling shot. Potential military use here!
- They could be used as a hammock for small animals.
- Knee or elbow pads --- the lacy ones would look lovely
- Ear muffs
- Face mask
- Storage --- I actually use this method all the time! It's great for holding my cell phone if I don't have pockets. Also when doing little tasks, and you just need another place to hold something.
- Filter water from a stream
- One of my favorite jokes: A Catholic bra holds up the masses...
A Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen...
A Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills...
- I have even read that they can be used for growing tomatoes
In the end though, a bra by any other name, is still a modern torture device.
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