Some random thoughts of late . . . .

Sometimes I think of things to say on my Facebook status, but it would either be too long to write, or there are too many things to say, and I don't want to put a laundry list on there. So, I guess this seems like a more appropriate place for a laundry list. Below are some random thoughts of late . . . .

1. Yesterday afternoon and last night, I was so angry, frustrated, and sad that I had the recurring thought of "it's a good thing I don't own a gun." Now, don't misinterpret. I didn't want to use it on myself, or on anyone else, I just wanted to shoot things. Maybe hold someone hostage at the horrible, incompetent hospital Ethan was at, until they gave me his stuff and his Vyvanse pills back. It's a long story, but I can't think about it any more right now. 
2. This morning, on a Saturday, I woke up at 8:30 in the morning!! What's up with that? I even managed to stay awake, wide awake. As I was walking around the kitchen, getting a Diet Dr. Pepper, I thought about how it's probably a good thing that I don't live with anyone else (except Asa, who wouldn't care about this, and is gone this weekend anyway.) I was thinking about how comfortable I was walking around the house in a big shirt, my underwear, a sweater, and my socks. Just remarkably comfortable. I'd like to stay like this all day.
3. I've been taking down the Christmas stuff, but I don't want to put away the tree. I will miss the lights at night when I'm sitting on the couch. I need to think of an alternative.
4. "Under the Tuscan Sun" is a great movie, and always gives me a little of that elusive hope floating somewhere in the bottom of Pandora's jar. Happened across it this morning when I was up so early.
5. "The Descendants," which I also happened across, and happily so, was an excellent movie, and made me think about the mess we make of life. But, there's always a chance for redemption. There is a scene in the movie (spoiler alert) where they are spreading ashes in the ocean. This made me think about spreading our little portion of Walter's ashes a couple of weeks ago. If you've never experienced such a thing, it's oddly wonderful. The ashes are not fine, gritty ashes. They're larger than you might expect, contain tiny bone particles, etc. I don't mean to sound morbid, but that actually made it a little more real. Walter was really still there, he wasn't just ash. We each spread a little, nobody wanting to spread too much before we each had a chance. After we'd passed the jar around a couple of times, there was still more left, and it fell to me to empty it out. The part in the bottom of the jar was held tight, and didn't want to let go. Then, we all chuckled a little about how stubborn he STILL was. I had to stick my finger in the jar and loosen it up. It was a strange feeling. Then, it was done. He was free, and would spend no more time on the shelf in Mom's prayer room. I think it's only just now hitting me as I write this, typing through some tears. I miss him, I miss my grandmother, I miss all of them.

Hmmmm . . . . . interesting, this whole writing process. I think I just needed to write #s 1-4 in order to get to #5, and #5 was what I was needing to deal with.