One of my favorite movies of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life." I could watch it any time and love it, but it especially warms my heart during the Christmas season as more people tend to feel the spirit. I don't presume to be as good and selfless as George Bailey tended to be, but I have always tried to be generous, encouraging, and supportive. That charges my heart, and I completely believe that "if I can, I should," when it comes to helping others. But, like George Bailey, I have had many times in life where I was completely downhearted and felt the world would be a better place if I hadn't been here to screw it up. Yes, that's a selfish thought, as if I had any real power, but it's that wondering if I had done something differently, would the outcome have been better, that nags me. George Bailey is given the angel, Clarence, to help him learn the truth about the difference we each make in the lives of others, most often without ever knowing we have. What a gift!
Now, while George is busy feeling sorry for himself, feeling like a failure, feeling like he let everyone down, and feeling like he might as well end it all, his wife Mary is out rallying the troops. When she finds out what the problem is, she doesn't hesitate to ask for help. The difference between George and Mary, on this matter, is pride. George puts it all on himself, and Mary just says hey, we need help! I am like Mary when it comes to anyone else. See a problem, let's get together and fix it. For example, a little over a year ago, a friend was in a serious bind. Another friend and I came up with a plan, went to our whole group of connected friends, and asked for help on her behalf. Everyone was so wonderful!! We came together, got her through a couple of rough months, and she's been getting back on track ever since. It was humbling to see. Just as in the movie, it was as if the front room was suddenly filled with people who were happy to put what they could in the basket and help George out. In fact, they were overjoyed to be able to do something to help. Bells were ringing and angels were getting their wings all over the place. Beautiful!! However, when it comes to me, pride keeps me from reaching out. I can't be Mary for myself. When I'm in trouble, I'm like George. I feel sorry for myself because I figure it must somehow be my fault. I feel like a failure because I didn't do the right thing. I feel like I let everyone down because things are no better, and often worse. I don't though, ever feel like I want to end it all. Hide in my bed, not answer the phone, avoid the world . . . . yes, but never end it all.
I believe my mother did a great job of raising me to be independent, able to take care of myself, and not afraid to do things that are tough but potentially rewarding. Independence and self-reliance though, can sometimes have their drawbacks. For me, that drawback is that I have a very hard time not only asking for, but accepting help when I need it. This is not to say that I haven't been helped in an infinite number of extraordinary ways throughout my life, but when I'm in a really, really deep hole, I don't know how to ask for the ladder. It usually has to be thrown down the hole and hit me on the head. Well, a ladder has hit me on the head, and I'm beginning to climb up. This hole has been caused by a culmination of things. Between 2004-2009, I didn't think life could get any more difficult and complicated. Many of you have battled some of the same things. I'm not at all unique. Divorce, single parenting a couple of angry and hurt boys who needed a father, health problems, stressful work, financial problems, making major changes like quitting a job, selling a house, and moving across the country with no job or house waiting for you, all the typical stuff so many people have been through. But, I did it. Didn't do it without a lot of support, encouragement, and exhausted ears and shoulders of my friends and family, but got it done. Once it was done, I thought, "Ok, it's all downhill from there. Surely." Then, the giant sink hole caved in. Like any other parent, throw anything at me, but don't hurt my children. Things fell apart. Ethan developed a raging and desperate drug addiction, which I discovered only when it was too late, that it was largely a result of some things he thought he had escaped when we moved. But, it was worse than that, so much worse than that. And then, even worse than THAT! I am not unique in dealing with this either. It is so much more common than I imagined. I air my dirty laundry a lot to all of you, but there's much more in piles that you can't see. There are hidden piles that nobody has seen. The surface has been hard enough to air. Getting it out helps, but there is still all the collateral damage to contend with. There are mountains of medical bills, prescriptions, testing, counseling, rehab hospitals, attorney fees, court costs, fines, etc., etc., etc. I'm busy trying to fill in the hole as quickly as I'm sinking. Then, it is suddenly no longer just Ethan, Asa is holding his own, but the same can't be said for me. Surgery for me. Brakes on, have to stop for a bit. Problem is, if I'm not shoveling it out, it's getting deeper.
So, like George, I find myself feeling sorry for myself, feeling like a failure, and feeling like I'll never get out of this damn hole! It finally becomes too much. Just at that time, Clarence arrives to tell me I'm not done yet, that I have plenty of love and support to carry me through, and that things will work out. Clarence was instrumental in "Santa" sending me a gift card so I could buy Asa Christmas presents and feel like less of a failure. Clarence was present when my friends kicked my butt into gear to give Asa the tree, decorations, etc. that he deserved. And Clarence has done what I couldn't do. Clarence has asked others for help for me. My stubborn pride left me sinking without any idea of how I was going to get out this time, just waiting for the endless bottom. Clarence even put the word out to my high school friends asking for financial support, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I tried; believe me, I tried! It's been very strange to accept the help that many of you have given, and very humbling. There is an art to accepting help, and I haven't learned it yet, but I want you all to know that I'm learning. Your help has given the ladder in my hole some solid ground, and I'm starting the climb out. I can hear you all at the top of the hole cheering me on, and I know I'll get there. I remind myself often that it could be so much worse, that I don't have it nearly as bad as others, and that I'm not alone in my struggles. I appreciate your patience, your understanding, your encouragement, your support (both emotional and financial), and most importantly . . . . your genuine love and generosity of heart. In all honesty, I don't know how I've made enough of a difference in your life for you to want to help me, but I'm glad I did. I have done an amazingly beautiful job of choosing my friends in life. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. With the family and friends I have, I'll get to the top of my ladder and out of my hole. I will. And when I do, I'll throw a ladder down a hole for the next person. This is the beauty of life and love. Thank you for teaching me!
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