Over the last several years of putting the pieces of myself back together, I'd made significant progress, but was down to the final two missing puzzle pieces. The first piece was to clarify my faith, and the second, I believed, would come via the first. The second was to find a wonderful man to share and partner my life with. I figured that until I fully understood the person I was offering up to the world, I wouldn't find the right partner.
I suppose that until that morning, there just wasn't room for those two things in my life (as you may have observed in some of my previous blogs.) However, one of the main things I've had to work on through the course of Ethan's troubles, is "letting it go." Letting go of the false idea that I had any control over him or his situation. Once I really let go, and allowed myself to accept that he had his own path to walk in this life, and I couldn't walk it with him, and all I could do was love him and support him, that necessary space in my life opened up. It was a sudden thing. It felt like the first day of spring, when the air is still a little crisp, but has a smell of freshness. Then, you suddenly fling the window wide open!!! The curtains flutter, the air blows in with a strong blast, and you stick your head through the openness to feel that crisp, clean air on your face. That was the sensation. It was all in the mind, but I can tell you that every pore of my skin felt it. It actually reminded me of the last time I was in Florence, Italy. It was March, still cool, but the air smelled terrific. My hotel room, with huge window and shutters, opened onto a pedestrian street, but looking to the left, there was a perfect view of Piazza della Signoria and all the beautiful sculptures in the Loggia della Signoria.
At that moment, as I opened the window and the wind hit my face, I suddenly realized the freedom I had earned! I was finally independent. The failed marriage was in the past, the resulting massive debt was paid off, and I was in Italy doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do. It was a spectacular feeling.
The figurative breeze that brushed my cheek on New Year's Eve, was even more powerful. As it blew into the room of my mind, I realized just how much empty space there suddenly was. The air filled it up, and the room seemed to be waiting, excitedly, for what was going to appear in it. I know it sounds a little cheesy, but sometimes there's just a feeling which plays out like the scene from a movie, but in split-second time, all in the mind. This was one of those moments.
The first occupant for this newly opened room, was the spiritual piece. There have been many times over my life when I've thought about converting to the Catholic Church. I was born and raised as an Episcopalian, so it's not the biggest religious leap out there, but I never went forward with it before. The reliance on faith over the last year or two had given me much more reason to find the church and community where I really belonged, and in that split-second when the window was opening, and the voice was saying, "It's time!", it became perfectly clear!! The next week, I started classes at the local Catholic Church. It felt just as right as any other major decision I've made in the last several years. That puzzle piece is now underway, and should be official on Easter. I feel such peace and happiness about the decision . . . and fulfilled. There is great comfort in it.
In fact, since my heart welcomed this possibility in, it's been interesting . . . in a good way. :) Excitement, happiness, partnership, and, dare I say it, . . . love, WILL ultimately appear. I don't NEED someone to complete me; I am already complete. Now, to share it.
The windows are wide open, the breeze is billowing in, and I think I'll even open the door . . . .
