When you're a failure at parenting . . . .

"All hope abandon, ye who enter here."

--- Inferno, Dante

Today is one of those days when I feel like a complete failure at parenting. To be honest, I am always uncomfortable when people say I'm a "strong" mom or other complimentary words. I kind of feel like a fake because deep down I think I should have done better. While struggles with Ethan and his addiction are pretty big to feel the parent guilt on, there are so many more which plague me, and while Asa isn't typically the focus of problems, I know so much guilt with him too. Parent guilt sucks! I wonder, does anyone NOT have it? I have many good days when I can rationally tell myself, "Leigh, you did the best you knew how with what you had." But, I also have many days where I say, "Bullshit! That's just a cop out! You should have done this or you should have done that . . . . "

"…But I would
not have you, reader, be deflected from
your good resolve by hearing from me now
how God would have us pay the debt we owe.
Don’t dwell upon the form of punishment:
consider what comes after that; at worst
it cannot last beyond the final Judgment." (Purgatorio. X, 105-111)

---Dante

Look, I'm just giving some truth here. Haven't we ALL felt that way probably many times during our tenure as parents of the little darlings we so looked forward to having? I know I'm not alone. I know that parents who parent together (married or not) also feel this way at times, but I can't really speak to that because it's not something I've ever known much of. Not really as a child or as a parent. So here, I mainly speak to those of us who have been in the single-parent realm of Purgatory. It's not a permanent state of Hell or Heaven. It's somewhere in between, hence, Purgatory. Referring to Dante's words above, don't dwell upon the debts we're paying now, just know it won't be this way forever. Or so they always say.

Remember how we thought it would be so wonderful to have children? The babies were precious! My own two boys were absolutely beautiful and I couldn't have enjoyed them as babies any more than I did. I nearly died giving birth to the first one and had it not been for living in the modern world of surgery I wouldn't have survived the second one either. That was the price for these amazing beings and I happily paid it. Do you also remember when they were young, toddler through 5 perhaps, and we thought it would get easier as they became more independent? No more diapers, diaper bags, blah-de-blah. Looking back, those were the easiest of times. It all started turning downhill not long after that. For me, I think I was managing pretty well until Ethan was in 4th grade. That year his father and I got divorced. It was also the year Ethan had a really horrible, mean teacher. The combination of everything was tough. Asa seemed to be weathering that storm a little easier at age 5 or so. Then, I actually thought I was doing pretty well, until it was clear that I wasn't.

Yes, I actually thought I was kind of rockin' it as a single parent. In many ways, our lives were much more relaxed at that point and we seemed to be on the upswing. I thought it would probably get easier from there. LOLOLOL!! Boy, was I wrong. What followed was moving across the country with the boys and starting all over again. Then, again, just when I thought I had it down . . . . BOOM!! Addiction! If anything will make you question your parenting skills, it's discovering your child is a drug addict, your child is in juvenile detention, your child is in the state hospital, your child is in jail, your child is in rehab, your child has overdosed multiple times and only alive by multiple miracles, and then your child is in prison. Yep, that'll make you think twice! How did I not know? Why was I not able to fix it? What the hell am I doing??? This must be a result of something I did terribly wrong! As if addiction doesn't have enough of its own stigma, parents of addicts get a big dose too! "MY kids would never do that!" "How did the parents not know?" "That's bad parenting right there." You get the picture, and many of you have probably said these things. It doesn't matter how many times anyone, including Ethan, tells me it's not my fault and NOT a result of something I did or didn't do, I will never completely believe there wasn't something I should have done differently. I just can't let go of that little bit of paper firmly super glued in my brain that says I should have been able to do something.

Ethan isn't the only issue though. Asa has his moments! Although he has never ventured down the dangerous path his brother went, he is on his own frustrating one. It was such a struggle to get that child to school, get him to do his work, and get him through graduation. He was bored at school and just didn't want to be bothered by any of it. His room looks like a disaster area, but I let it go, rationalizing that the battle wasn't worth it and at least he wasn't doing drugs or anything. He's one of those kids who does everything in his own time and although I stress obsessively, he typically accomplishes whatever it is by the deadline, barely. I have to nag at him about everything and I feel like a total bitch doing it! I had to practically force him to get a driver's license. We've had knock down drag outs about him getting a job! Bad enough that for a split second, he even thought about going to his dad's (he got over that after 2 hours with his dad the other day.) I don't know if it's a generational thing or what, but kids these days (yes, I'm officially an old person for saying that) just don't seem at all interested in independence. When I was a teenager, we couldn't wait to drive, to go off to college, and to get out of the house! We craved all that adulting stuff, of course, we also regretted some of it when we got it. These kids are in no hurry at all. Asa has absolutely no idea what to do with himself for the future or even a starting point from which to launch.

I am an intelligent woman with two college degrees. Their father is a PhD in English. Both sides of our families were educated. How did I end up with kids who weren't interested in college? Ethan kind of has an excuse. Had things gone differently, I think he would have been happy to go and now that he is older and clean, he would like to give it a try when he's released. But Asa? How did I raise two kids who really don't know how to do basic things even though I made great efforts to teach them? Where did these children come from?

I do believe that an overriding factor in my failed parenting is the fact that I didn't provide them with a good male role model. Should I feel guilty because my ex-husband was rather a disappointment in this department, or is it on him? Well, I feel guilty. I feel like I should have done more to provide them with someone to fill that "dad" role after our divorce when it was clear that their father wasn't going to do it. Instead, I tried to fill both the mom and dad roles as much as possible. In some ways, it was kind of fun, but I was enormously inadequate at being a dad. I had the sex talks with them, I primarily did the Scouts stuff with them, I tried to do some sports with them. But, I wasn't a dad. I know many women who remarry for lots of good reasons, one of them to fill that role. I wouldn't have really wanted to go about it that way, but I should have done something. We tried Big Brothers with Ethan and that was a disaster. Essentially, either through death or divorce, every male role model in their lives has left them. I do realize this isn't necessarily my failure, but sometimes it sure feels like it.

Should I have been harder on them about some things? Easier on them about other things? How badly have I damaged their future relationships by my actions? Parent guilt . . . .

So, while you all are often so quick to offer positive words about how I've been as a mom, I fight all this other stuff in my head. Believe it or not though, I am much better. Now that things with Ethan have settled some (hopefully for a very long time) and Asa made it out of high school, it really is pretty much on them, so there's not a whole lot more I can do or fix. I wish I had provided them with the same parents/steady home nuclear family, but I didn't. I wish I had provided them with male role models, but I didn't. I wish I had known what was going on with Ethan, but I didn't. I wish I knew how to motivate Asa, but I don't. And now, it's down to to them, so I pray . . . . a lot. I pray that some things I did were good. I pray that I gave them enough skills to do better than I did. I pray that they won't one day feel the amount of failure I feel. I pray that I did well enough. I love those men I've tried so hard to raise on my own for the last 14 years. When I step back and look at it all, we did accomplish something really important . . . we're here, we've made it this far, and most importantly, they have NEVER doubted my love for them. Even though some days feel terrible, I guess I haven't been a complete failure after all. I love them and they know it.

"If you give people light, they will find their own way."

---  Dante