Probation

Sitting in the courtroom this morning waiting for Ethan's case to be heard . . . I had flashbacks to all of the hearings back when he was in juvenile detention. It has always amazed me how unlike the TV courtrooms an actual courtroom can be. On the other side of the bar, it is like a busy beehive. Court officials, 20-30 lawyers coming and going, papers being printed and signed, deals being made, and frightened defendants waiting to learn their fate. It's busy and noisy and chaotic.

The first person up is sentenced to 15 years in prison. All I could hear was something about forgery and theft. The next one up got probation, first offence. Next, 2 years, next 5 years. I was having a hard time reading the judge but he spent time talking with each of them, the DUI case, the drug offence, the assault case, etc. He was thoughtful, but I couldn't get any impression of how he might rule on Ethan.

Two hours later, it was finally Ethan's turn. As he came in, I marveled at how good he looks now that he's not on drugs anymore. He's taller, has gained weight, his coloring is good, and his eyes are no longer blank and sad. He's respectful, standing up straight. He looks more humble than pissed off at the world. The judge asks him about his guilty plea and he confirms. The judge asks him how long he's been using drugs and Ethan answers, "8 years, your honor." The judge looks at Ethan's information and responds, questioning the fact that he's only 21 and been using drugs for 8 years. It's still hard to see him in court, before a judge, and facing the things he's done. The judge says that the plea agreement is for 3 years probation, and he asks, "Son, can you do 3 years probation?" That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

So, 3 years probation. If he violates probation, he will get 2-10 years. He will also have to deal with Denton County on those warrants from 2 years ago. They have 10 days to come get him before he's released from Tarrant County, but if they don't come get him, he is committed to turning himself in and taking care of that for a few months if needed. That should just be a matter of sitting time because they weren't felony charges like this one. This is the biggie.

As I've told people what the verdict was today, the question has repeatedly been, "How do you feel about it?" Well . . . . ambivalent. I'm ambivalent. Every time he gets another chance to do it right, I get hopeful, cautiously hopeful. However, we all know the history of those chances. What I can say about each of those times though is that with each one, he was a little older and a little more mature. This time especially, he's even better though. For the first time in 8 years, he's made it 90 days clean!! He is no longer self-medicated or over medicated. He's on one medication for seizures, and that's it. He's discovered he's not bipolar or any of the other million things every place has diagnosed him with and then put him on multiple high dosed medications. I've always argued that he needed to get off of everything to be properly diagnosed, but that's not the way such places work, even when he was in juvie for those years. Anyway . . . . as his mother, I always want to believe that there's another chance and that it'll work. I can't get myself to wish for prison, even if it sometimes seemed like the best thing. But, I'm also scared of him not being able to do the probation. I told him the other night that the even though it's been through glass or over the phone, the last few months with him have been the best in years. He's been the REAL Ethan, and I'm scared of losing that, but I don't want him to go to prison, but I'm scared, but I'm happy, but I'm scared, but I don't want him to go to prison . . . . . hence, ambivalent. I keep randomly crying and I don't know if it's because of the relief or the fear, or maybe it's just the exhaustion of this 8 year battle we've been fighting, a release at the idea that maybe this time this nightmare will end . . . . or fear.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to think optimistically (even if always a little cautiously) and pray that THIS is the time it all works. The reality is that I'll have that fear for the rest of my life because that's addiction. It will never go away and is a part of us now. But, I'm praying that he continues to grow and that he will learn how to have the life I know he wants and I want for him, as every mother wants for her child. The consequences this time are bigger, and he's aware. So I'll be watching and supporting him, and as always, hoping for the best and loving him.