After much planning, begging, and borrowing of various sorts, I managed to plan a trip to Florida to see Ethan. I haven't seen him in nearly a year since that painful day I got him on the plane to Miami for another attempt at rehab. Since being here, he's had many ups and downs. Those downs have nearly killed him, but the ups have been huge. He is no longer the emaciated, lifeless skeleton I last saw. I know this because people have been kind enough to send me pictures of him over the course of the last year. I simply couldn't wait to see him!!
Then yesterday, I was in the middle of class, but caught a text come across the screen of my phone. Caught my eye, and I thought something must be going screwy with my phone because this looked like something from a while ago. The bell rang, my lunch period, alone in my classroom, so I read the whole thing: "I left Changes Mom. I didn't get high. call me when you can. I need something different. I love you." WHAT???? I'm leaving for Florida in six hours, how can you take off???? Completely crushed. That's the only way to describe what I felt. The plans were made, the hotel was already paid for, the flight arranged . . . . I had no choice but to still come, but I refused to see him if he was high. I simply couldn't do that anymore. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I was a basket case. Couldn't stop crying. Couldn't handle my classes. Was fortunate to find a colleague to take my last two classes for me so I could leave. Couldn't bear to tell Asa because I knew how angry he'd be, and how worried about me he would be all weekend. A friend drove me to the airport, which was a good thing because I couldn't think clearly. I was really in a complete state of shock and just couldn't stop crying. What a mess. It was all just a mess. But, I knew I still had to go.
Just to add a little misery to it all, the flight was delayed for over two hours as we sat on the plane and waited while there was a fuel pump problem. Got into Ft. Lauderdale at 2:30 a.m. Rental car took forever. Got into my hotel room around 4:00 a.m. Exhausted, puffiest eyes in the world, emotionally, physically, mentally drained. Didn't know what I'd be facing the next day.
Today, I went about what I came here to do, even if it was without Ethan. Went to group meeting at Changes, met Ethan's counselor, Rob, Diane, Arthur, and all the people who had kept Ethan alive and making some progress over the last year. They all told me how excited Ethan was that I was coming, that he had planned on us each reading one of our blogs to the group and he had picked out which ones. I think everyone was in shock, but they all welcomed me in, hugged me, and gave enormous support! Another young man had his mother there visiting and they each got to read their impact letters to the group. It was really wonderful. I felt so cheated that I wasn't getting that opportunity. Yes, I was thinking about myself, but at that moment, I believe I had every right to. We tried to talk to Ethan on the phone, but he was adamant about staying where he was. Says it is a halfway house and he's still clean. I won't go into the specifics of why he felt compelled to leave. That's his story to tell. I only know how it all hit me, right in the gut. As has been my philosophy throughout the past six years of this scourge, just keep going, moving forward, forget about expectations. Still, I was so crushed.
So today, I went through two group sessions at Changes. They were two different groups, so in each I read the blogs of mine that Ethan had chosen and someone else read the one from his blog that he'd chosen. Lots of tears each time, but they certainly weren't all mine. Every person there genuinely cared about Ethan and everyone was so upset, angry, and sad that he wasn't there. They had been hearing about this for weeks! It was a good, but tough morning for me. Good to be with all of them, but so unbelievably unfair that I didn't have MY kid there. I spent the evening with another group in their meeting and then yet another meeting at the residence. I listened to the stories each person told, and I've never seen such courage, fear, pent-up anger, and mostly, sadness. The things some of these young people have experienced in their lives, in their early childhood, is unconscionable. It broke my heart. I also listened to the thought process they described. I will never fully understand the brain and thinking of an addict. I'll NEVER know that daily struggle. The screwed up thinking. The expert self-saboteurs that they are. Some have been clean for much longer than others, but it's all still there. Not just daily struggle, but minute-by-minute. Their stories of using are Ethan's stories. Their impulsive decisions are his impulsive decisions. Their disappointment with themselves after relapse is Ethan's disappointment. I also saw a group of wonderful people, people with huge amounts of potential, and it made me so sad that they couldn't necessarily see it in themselves.
My plan was to do all of that with Ethan, but I'm awfully glad I did it myself anyway. I was able to talk, cry, and talk about how his addiction has affected my life and the lives of those who love him. All of those people have seen him in a better way over the last year than I had seen since he was about 11 years old. I really, really wanted to see him!!! I MUST see him because I fear that if I don't, I may not get the chance again. That's how scared I am right now.
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