It has been months since I last wrote. It's not that there hasn't been anything on my mind; quite the contrary. Sometimes I just need to reflect for a while before I really know what I want to say. Then again, sometimes I'm just lazy. I'm thinking the lazy part most appropriately applies here, but there has been much to ponder. Today is May 30, and I am now 10 days into my 5th decade. Yes, on May 20, I turned the big 5 0 !!! This was not a traumatic event for me, as I know it is with some. In fact, I see it as a time to begin again, a fresh start, a new chapter in life, etc.
Let me explain how I spent my 50th birthday. . . . the day itself pretty much sucked, except for the part where I was at work and my students and co-workers graciously wished me good things. At home was another story. The previous couple of days had been spent with my oldest son in the emergency room as he was withdrawing from meth, heroin, and God knows what else. I had to let him come home with me to keep an eye on him for a few days. I cleaned up vomit from the bathtub, and on my birthday, as I speedily tried to get out the door for work, had to clean vomit from the kitchen sink. Drugs suck, but you've been hearing that from me for quite a while now, so I won't go on with that. During the day, he texted me that he was throwing up blood. Right after work, back to the ER we go. FIVE HOURS LATER . . . . we're still waiting to be seen, and we leave. Seems that he's feeling much better now. Unfortunately, that nice steak dinner my younger son and I planned to have for my birthday didn't seem possible. In the end, we made it to the restaurant at 9:30, and closed it down. That was my birthday. No pomp and circumstance, just another day, but I felt differently. In a good way, differently.
None of the above really mattered though because two days later, I would be leaving for a fun-filled weekend in San Francisco! This excursion was the brain child of a dear high school friend from New Orleans. Friends and family of his were all going out to San Francisco to celebrate HIS 50th, which was coming on May 25th. All I had to do was deliver the younger son to his father, drop off the older son wherever he was choosing to live at the moment, take the dog to the vet for boarding, and make it through a day of work. Here's how that Wednesday went down . . . woke up to older son feeling better and younger son throwing up from a stomach virus. Awesome! More barf! Yuck! Ok, off to work. Come home, drop off younger son, and then proceed to have hours of crap from older son. Turns out he had no intention of leaving. Verbal and emotional abuse, screaming at me, telling me I'd have to call the police to get him to leave, etc. Yes, I understand that he would very much like to have "home" again, but home doesn't ever work for him. This was a big reminder of why. I sat there, listening to all of it, it brought me back to what I used to deal with from his father, and I just became paralyzed. I just stopped moving, thinking, etc. Sat there. With the help of a friend, we managed to get him out of the house without calling the police, she got me started on packing, and I got a couple of hours of sleep before work.
Thursday, flying out to SF day . . . . older son texted a sincere apology, younger son texted to make sure I was ok and that his brother and the drama was gone. We love him dearly, but his addiction and behavior does not allow him to be with us. Stomach is in knots all day about the previous evening. When dealing with an addict, you always wonder if maybe this time was the time I should have done something but didn't. Truth is, only the addict can do something. The emotional hurt of the parent is astronomical, and I'm sure my son says the same thing from his view. For this new decade, I make the vow of putting MY needs on the table, and not giving the addiction as much time. I've gotten so much better, but still so easy to fall into the mind games.
Please, let's just get on the damn plane and escape for a few days!!!! At the airport, and on the plane, the reflecting, which I had so looked forward to, was finally beginning. My brain relaxed enough to process the birthday, and the terrible week so far. Put it behind, gain perspective, focus on the fun weekend ahead, have some fun for ME, especially with old friends. The smile returns to my face. Wheels up . . . . heading to San Francisco.
End of Part I . . . . go to the next entry for the fun part!
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