Not answering the phone . . .

The phone just rang, and I know exactly who it was. It was my son, calling from the juvenile detention center. There's a sentence I never expected to write! Had lots of those, "Gee, never expected to have a day like that!" days and moments over the last year. They haven't been unusual in the good way though, so I'm really tired of them.

Anyway, the phone was ringing. It's my own child, and I can't seem to bring myself to answer it. Perhaps a part of the reason is because it costs $9.99 for a 10 minute call, and I can't afford that every night on my phone bill. But that's not the only reason I didn't answer it. I'm simply mad at him. That's it. I'm angry . . . and hurt. The last year has been unbearable. Four rehab stints, two psychiatrists, extensive psychological testing, endless medications, truancy, failing grades, pot, ecstasy, you name it, police, ambulances, lawyers, tickets, holes in the wall, fear, hurt, anger, and sadness. Now, he's a week into his two week stay at the JDC.

So, why didn't I answer the phone? The real reason is that I didn't want to get mad, and I have every reason to believe he'd help me reach that point. Yesterday when he called, he gave me lots of crap about how if the lawyer and I are on the same page about it, we can just get him out early. Um, don't think so. Then I explained how I still had to get him re-enrolled back at LDHS and squared away to go to AEP next Friday after he's released. His response to that, "I'm not going to school on Friday! Are you serious, the day after I get out of jail? No fucking way Mom! I need a couple of days to to recover from this experience." Whaaaaattttt??? Yea, you usually get a day off from school after you get out of jail, just to relax a little bit. Made me so mad I could barely stand it!! What is he thinking? One of the reasons he's there is his truancy problem!!!

So, it's conversations like that that make me fear I'll never get my real son back again. Then I go from mad to sad. He's largely done this to himself, and I'm angry at him for it. He has fried that beautiful brain I spent all that time marinating. I want my child back!!! At not quite 16, he shouldn't be this way. He should have lots left to enjoy in life. He should be making some stupid mistakes to piss me off, and he should be disobeying a little, but not like this. This is wrong. What happened?

Why didn't I answer the phone? I didn't want to be mad and sad. How do I feel about NOT answering the phone? Mad and sad, and now guilty.

I love  you Ethan! Please come back to us!